Imaginary cars - the golden years of motoring

The first post-war Creighton model was the 800cc Crumpet - based on an anti-aircraft gun chassis. Most parts were military-surplus. Headlights were reworked Home Guard bicycle clips, while the gearbox was an essentially unaltered NAAFI tea urn. A cream 2-stroke Crumpet Standard was Princess Elizabeth's first car.

In 1969 Hugh Fisk designed a box-kite capable of carrying a human aloft in light winds. In 1972, after a nearly-fatal crash in which the kite sheared in half, he added wheels to what was left and named his creation the Dreadnought. The marque was named Ruskin Fisk in honour of W.E.H. Ruskin, a pioneer of British male nursing.

We all recall the hit 70s TV series Spunky and Jed, about unconventional cop Jed Jenkins and his talking car Spunky, which was played by a '72 Tungsten Tourniquet. The much rarer Quagmire was only manufactured for six months. Inspired by the Harley Davidson's approach to engineering, it came with a megaphone in place of muffler as standard.

The Gumbleton range of motor cars needs no introduction. Throughout the 30s and early 40s it won every long distance rally going, from the Hawaii-Houston to the Java-Alaska-Chile Ring Of Fire Classic. The Thorax-5 was their first attempt to translate this success into a teardrop-shaped family sedan that could cope with the shopping and a Sunday drive to church, but if need be could continue on over a cliff and into the sea. Sales were poor.

The flagship of the booming Cypriot car and washing-machine industry in the 50s, The Makarios III company seemed to be incapable of putting a foot wrong. This purple patch came to an end with the Weasel. Available in four levels of luxury (Handsome Goatherd, Sinister Boatman, Proud Plutocrat and Romantic Duchess Plus, pictured here) it came in one colour only - Panflute Green. All four shared the same basic chassis which was unfortunately 4" too wide for any road in Cyprus.

A town called Cygnet

There is a very pretty town in northwest of Tasmania called Penguin. They have an an endearing large concrete penguin, and some penguin-shaped rubbish bins. Lately they have revved up the penguinity to the point where its starting to look like the town was named after the bins, as a gimmick.

On the other hand, Cygnet eschews the baby swan as a civic theme - I don't think saw one anywhere. Today we retraced our steps from Australia Day, primarily to take pedalboats out on the Huon River at Huonville. We were ran out of time to do it the other day, but since we have broken free of Little Athletics and can do as we please on Saturday morning, we went back to the river.

it was a perfect still and sunny morning. We were the first punters for the day I think - the boats had been baking in the sun and the plastic seats cooked our backsides. Michael and I took Boat 1 and Elf and Marcus Boat 2. Michael's tender young bot was in pain, so he developed an impressive pedalling technique where it hovered a few inches above the seat.

In no time my legs were in agony - I am about 6 foot and the ideal height for the seat-to-pedal distance is probably about 5'4" (I think the boats were made in North Korea). So we pedalled and rested in equal amounts. Michael, as well as being my human son, is a cartoon character, and has learnt a lot of moves lately from Tom and Jerry. "Resting" for Michael is a performance that involves stretching, hands behind head, legs crossed and propped up on something, and even puffing an imaginary cigar (when he is really giving it everything but the kitchen sink).

In no time Elf and Marcus caught up to us. Boat 2 was faulty and splashy - not serenely silent like ours. We docked together like spacecraft and spent some quality family time together in midstream. There were lovely reflections, ducks, landlubbers waving at us and a large redbrick pub that looked enticing from any angle.

However. We set a course for our home port and gave back Boats 1 and 2, and went on to Cygnet for some lunch. Things were bubbling along, the Red Velvet Lounge (which is the heart of everything) was open, and the Targa Tasmania cars were chugging through town and parking everywhere.

Targa is an annual road race - I think the serious term is "tarmac rally". They close proper everyday roads to have the race, in different stages, all over the state. Along with them in a non-racing capacity go a whole heap of old cars. Today we saw a couple of Model T-ish age, up to the 70s cars I grew up with like Toranas and Monaros. Over half the cars were MGs.

My favourite was the Jowett Javelin - in a colour I would call British Church Fete Green. I didn't have a camera but thanks to the internet:

We popped into the RVL for a very nice lunch, then walked up and down the main drag with ice-creams. Cygnet is a bit of a tree-change town, and has a hippy element. Our beautiful table came from there, and I believe they run a very good Folk Festival, but they also have a shop that sells proficient but kitschy hippy/goth art, crystals and dreamcatchers. I always run a mile from dreamcatchers so we were out of there pretty fast and on the road home again.

Some more of my favourite imaginary cars

Drysdale-Fisk Sasquatch 12

Timms Osprey

Hereford Herring 18/80

Tripplehorn Tempest X7X

Mumford Apocalypse

Velasquez Marionette Six

Monk Garrigle Poltergeist

BGH Singh Obstacle Plus

Saxby Semiquaver

Ingham Ostrogoth

Moto Italia Super Elk

Tropicana Tradesman

Congo Weltschmerz Funf

Glastonbury Viper

Wagstaff Gazelle VII

Dear Leader Triumphant Struggle Vanette

Croxton Parallax

Shaolin Pinky

Bagshaw Blunderbuss GLX

South Australia's own Lightburn Zeta - came with four reverse gears!

One day, Mr Harold Lightburn, proprietor of an Adelaide cement mixer factory, decided to start making washing machines as well. Buoyed by his modest success, he decided to try adding seats and wheels, and replacing the agitator with a very small engine. The Lightburn Zeta range of very poor cars was born.

I can still see the washing machine deep within.

"The four speed dog clutch Villiers Engineering gearbox had no reverse so the engine had to be switched off and started backwards which provide four reverse gears. Fuel was delivered by gravity feed from a tank behind the dashboard. The fuel gauge was a plastic pipe running from the top to the bottom of the tank through the dashboard. As a Wheels road test in 1974 put it "it read anywhere from full to empty depending on gradient, throttle and probably Greenwich mean time" - Wikipedia

The Zeta Sports, ideal for the driver with no time for doors, or bumpers.

Ads for my imaginary cars

I am just not getting any offers on my shedload of imaginary vintage motors. I am not sure what's wrong, as they are some of the most sought after non-existent marques you will find. So  - I have dug through the vaults to find the original trade ads, full of that "new car" excitement. I am "pumping up the tires" if you like. I am by the phone, and I am ready to trade in anything for these clean, straight units.

Big thanks to www.carstyling.ru for their incredible range of Fiats.

Just found some more cars

Blow me down - I have just remembered I have a whole 'nother hangar out the back stacked full of redundant yet notable (non-existent) automobiles. Would you believe I have, in more or less mint condition;

• a Bishop Spong Sportswagon
• an original Stubing Superior driverless bus
• a 1956 Classic Clerihew light lorry
• a Nutley Six, cut down into a ute
• a Hokusai Scrimshaw 1200 ride-on wheelbarrow
• a Wrigley Osiris Five submersible car
• the aqua Sussex Tong forklift that appears in the opening credits of On The Buses
• an Oxbow Peril P100 fire engine
• the front half of a Munster Shark tourer welded to the back half of a Munster SuperTrout delivery van
• a Nesbitt Zanzibar hearse
• and a 1972 Lamington Ark Royal Princess armoured car (fastback)

Due to straightened circumstances I am open to any offer on these unique (yet sadly imaginary) commercial vehicles. No tyre-kickers please.

Rare Cars

I have an impressive collection of very rare and totally imaginary cars from all over the world. For the interest of any enthusiasts out there, here is an inventory.

• The Watling Whelk
• The Uranus Clotheshorse
• The Limpid 6
• The Nguyen Wallace Ant-Bear
• The Trumpet Whetstone
• The Blaine Nodule 383
• The de Botton Pyramidé Deux
• The Curlewis Ampersand
• The Nevsky Nyet
• The Spofforth Spiral GLE
• The Motopolonia Tim 5000
• The Chesterfield Squab
• The Hyderabad Mopoke X
• The Cumberland Aitch
• The Iberia ¿Quando?
• The Nanking Most Opulent Baron 9
• The Giles-Zeitung Havoc
• The Free Car of the Heroic Workers of Minsk

Some, such as the Nodule and the Ampersand, were made in limited numbers in the 1940s and 50s by small family coachworks in Britain. Others such as the unusual Tim 5000 were turned out in their thousands behind the Iron Curtain, but were so badly made that very few were ever seen in the West. People often ask which is my favourite - how could I possibly answer? But of course, with a rueful wag of the head I will usually admit that after a tough day I like nothing better than hitting the open road in my Clotheshorse Roadster with the top down and the magnetophone on full, disappearing into the twilight.

Freedom is a Toyota Stout

Has there ever been a better named automobile?

Tiny green truck

Ah, the Honda T500. Look at the beautifully simple dashboard. Pics courtesy of japanesevintage.com.

Floral Honda Civic

The other day over at Wendy's blog she was reminiscing about cars she has owned. Like Wendy, and my wife, and my dad, I too have owned a Honda Civic. And my mum did too, as I bought mine from her. It used to be orange. One day I was inspired [by some beautiful wrapping paper] to paint it blue with big sunflowers all over. Here are a couple of polaroids of it. I seem to have spent a lot of time driving it places then getting out to take photos of it. The pic on the right shows my dear late cat Giz, with a present I wrapped in the aforementioned paper. He seems to be shunning it.

I eventually got an offer too good to refuse of another, better car. I parked the Civic on the Bluegum Servo corner with a For Sale sign on it, and eventually sold it to a very dodgy interesting guy named Art for $800. He paid me in $25 installments so I had the pleasure of a visit from him (usually at work) every month for what seemed like many years.

I loved driving around in my happy car. People in Hobart got used to it and didn't pay much attention. People in the country would wave madly and kids particularly liked it. In Launceston however it was a magnet for abuse. They didn't enjoy the sixties obviously, and were in no mood to see them drive back into town.

Mrs Benz goes to visit her mother

Bertha Benz was the wife of inventor Karl Benz, and was the first person to drive a car over any reasonable distance - to visit her mother!

On 5 August 1888 and without her husband's knowledge, she drove her sons, Richard and Eugen, fourteen and fifteen years old, in one of Benz's newly-constructed Patent Motorwagen automobiles—from Mannheim to Pforzheim—becoming the first person to drive an automobile over more than a very short distance. The distance was more than 106 km (more than sixty miles).

Although the primary purpose of the trip was to visit her mother, Bertha Benz also had another motive: to show her brilliant husband—who had failed to consider marketing his invention adequately—that the automobile would become a financial success once it was shown to be useful to the general public.

Underway, she solved numerous problems. She had to find petrol or similar fuels which were available—sometimes—only at dispensing chemists' shops. A blacksmith had to help with a chain at one point. Brake linings needed replacement. Bertha Benz had to use a long, straight hairpin to clean a fuel pipe which had become blocked and to insulate a wire with a garter. She left Mannheim around dawn and reached Pforzheim somewhat after dusk, notifying her husband of her successful journey by telegram. She drove back to Mannheim the next day.

Along the way, several people were frightened by the automobile and the novel trip received a great deal of publicity—as she had sought. The drive was very helpful for Karl Benz, as he was able to introduce several improvements after his wife reported everything that had happened along the way—and she made important suggestions, such as the introduction of an additional gear for greater ease climbing hills.

Mrs Benz passed away in 1944 aged 95.

Peel Microcars

No one is questioning this guy's manhood.