Marlion Pickett's spin – a work in progress

This little animation is meant to be the first of a series of memorable Grand Final moments.

Marlion Pickett is a 27 year-old Western Australian who was picked up by Richmond in the mid-season draft. He starred in the VFL grand final a week before the AFL grand final (the VFL is virtually the AFL reserves now). He was named for his first AFL game in the grand final, something that hadn't happened for 60 years.

This is a moment in the 2nd quarter. Richmond are in front of Greater Western Sydney, but the game is still in the balance. Young giant Ivan Soldo hands the ball to Pickett and he gracefully steps onto the wrong foot and executes a perfect blind turn, completely destroying Lachie Whitfield who grasps at thin air.

Watching it live I was struck by how un-flashy it was. Not a last-quarter party piece, not a young star revelling in his stardom – it was just the right move for that situation which opened up the space. Pickett did it slowly and almost apologetically. Sorry Lachie, this is not designed to make you look silly, I just need to make some space so I can deliver the ball accurately to my forwards.

And he did. A pinpoint pass off the outside of his right boot to a lead from Georgie Castagna who marked and goaled, putting Richmond out to a 28-9 lead. The Tigers went on to crush GWS by 89 points. Pickett was outstanding and was voted 3rd best afield, in a grand final, in his first game. I hope to be there at the MCG for his second, on 19th March.



Still to add: Georgie's mark and the soundtrack

The circus comes to town - a football report

We went to see Richmond play North Melbourne at Bellerive Oval on Saturday. Here is the piece I wrote for Tiger Tiger Burning Bright, a collaborative website I started last year with Dugald Jellie.

Today I am going I dodge the real issues at Richmond. Everyone who reads this will have seen the game or at least be familiar with the score. We have lost four of the last five to teams that no-one would have considered finals material, until they played us. I had a marathon vent on Twitter about that last night and I feel that is out of my system now. 

Yesterday was the first time Richmond have played for keeps in my home town of Hobart. I saw them play Hawthorn in Launceston in Buddy's first season, maybe 2007. We went in hot favourites and were shown up as pretenders. Long drive home. 

So I had been looking forward to this since the draw came out last year, and feeling increasingly tense over the last month as our form went flat. If I had gone alone, I would have made an effort to catch up with all the visitors to town that I know through TTBB and Twitter, but it turned into a whole-family event, which of course was fantastic in its own way. There was the usual torrent of pre-game puff as always when the big league comes to town, but for it to feature the Tiges was novel.

Continued over on TTBB 

Footy predictions 2014

For once I have got to this before the season is already half over. I am seeing Hawthorn as minor premiers, going into the Grand Final as favourites and getting rolled by Geelong. Richmond will be top 4 for much of the season then fade. But this year they will win a final.

1. Geelong
2. Hawthorn
3. Freo
4. Sydney
5. North
6. Richmond
7. Essendon
8. Collingwood
9. West Coast
10. Adelaide
11. Gold Coast
12. Carlton
13. Western Bulldogs
14. Port Adelaide
15. St Kilda
16. Melbourne
17. Greater Western Sydney
18. Brisbane

Brownlow Medal: Nate Fyfe

Coleman Medal: Jeremy Cameron, GWS, 66

Grand Final: Geelong d Hawthorn

Elimination Final: Carlton 18.8 (116) d Richmond 14.12 (96)

It’s so disappointing to go down the same track three times against Carlton this year. Pulled the first one out of the fire, but R21 and again yesterday the deja vu was … just very painful.

I get to one game a year at most – my heart goes out to the diehards who are there home and away, rain or shine. Multiply my angst by 100 and that’s how they would be feeling. The cheer squad banner was so beautiful – the G full to the brim with happy nervous Tigers. If nothing else Richmond can say we were part of a magnificent footy occasion.

11-year old Marcus (who had never seen a Tiger final) fled in tears when Judd tore us apart in the 3rd quarter. He knows in his guts that this Tiger team don’t have it in them to reverse momentum like that. Until we mature into a team that just doesn’t give up 5 and 6 goal runs, we are going to have these heartbreaking games.

Oh, so Dusty has mates in jail? Cool. Never would have guessed. I hope someone gave him an ultimatum on the spot about that disgraceful goal celebration. I was hoping Benny Gale had a direct line to the bench and would say to him “You have just taken $100,000 off what we are prepared to pay next year. You are a liability and if you are someone else’s problem next season we can live with that. You have taken the privilege of playing in a final and used it as a soapbox to show off your worst influences”.

Some guys who have been huge for us this year really came up short yesterday when the tide turned, and I count coach Dimma among them. He was squarely out-coached and I listened in vain to his post-match for an acknowledgement of that. It was all statspeak. He would have been shattered and not at his best, I’ll allow him that. But he didn’t concede what was obvious – Judd got off the chain and won 3 or 4 or 5 centre breaks on the trot. Losing Conca was a factor I guess.
It’s amazing that we had the rub of the green with the umpies, had the same number of scoring shots yet got flogged. Long before Carlton hit the front they had our measure. What was the rationale for Riewoldt AND Edwards going to defence in the 3rd quarter?

I am sorry I am feeling a bit negative at the moment. I will maybe start looking at the positives out of the season during the week. It’s been a very long wait, and although we have talented young players our club has never been good at backing up a good season (at least since the Whitlam years anyway).

RICHMOND   3.5   10.7  12.10  14.12  (96)                  

CARLTON     2.3    6.5  12.7  18.8 (116)

Tigers in a final: 3 days away

There was a bit of a trending discussion on Twitter a few weeks ago when it became clear Richmond had sewn up a top-8 finish, and an appearance in the finals. People were sharing their memories of what was happening last time the Tigers made it the finals in 2001.

As Richmond lined up to play Essendon in week one, the Twin Towers were still standing. Shrek was still in cinemas and the first Harry Potter film had still not been released. My son and fellow Tiger diehard Marcus was conceived but unborn. Richmond had beaten a very soft Essendon in the last home and away round, but the Dons turned up ready to play finals, and we were trounced. The privilege of finishing in the top 4 is getting a second chance, so the Tigers were back the following week looking for redemption against Carlton.

Of course during the week a war started, unlike anything we had seen before. I can’t actually recall anything of the game against Carlton after the minute of silence for the victims of September 11. Strangely the match is nowhere to be found on YouTube so I can’t even pretend I remember. But the stats say we led narrowly all day and won by 11 points. The following week we were steamrolled by the Brisbane Lions, on their way to the first of their three consecutive premierships. Sigh.

Zip to the present, 12 years on, and my 11-year-old and I are in a lather of expectation. In 3 days the boys will run out on the MCG in a final against Carlton. We have three key players coming back from injury and suspension. I have been over the team sheets from the last few weeks, trying to see who might be the unlucky ones to be dropped to make way. I am expecting at least one surprise.

Shane Tuck has just announced this will be his last season. Dugald has written a beautiful valedictory piece on Tucky that surpasses anything I could say. Everyone watched in vain as he went off after the last game on Saturday night, for a sign of a final farewell. He is not a demonstrative man but I feel in my guts that he's been given an assurance that he'll be in the 22 on Sunday, possibly in the green vest again as sub.

In the game the other night a man-mountain with the unfashionable 37 on his guernsey kept popping up in the play, receiving and giving off handballs. Orren Stephenson came in to the side to give star forward Jack Riewoldt a week to rest his back and other ailments. I find myself hoping the Big O keeps his spot this week. His ruckwork was excellent but his ability to be a link in the chain around the ground really impressed me. He was drafted by Geelong at the age of 29, and now as a 30 year-old he’s ours. He’s a premiership player too - he has 4 VFL flags to his name. I think he’s got what we need.

Who is going to miss out? I am tipping the brave Ricky Petterd and the proppy Matt White will miss out for Reiwoldt and veteran defender Chris Newman. If it’s dry then we may see an old fashioned Exchange of Shanes; Tuck out, Edwards in. But if its wet we'd be mad to to take an extra tall into the game, so Tuck stays, and its Orren who makes way for Shane Edwards.

Tigers to win by 35 points, with 4 goals each to Aaron Edwards, Jack Riewoldt and Ty Vickery and 33 touches for Brett Deledio.

Carlton 16.10.106 d Richmond 14.12.96

Time for a proper match report. I have been to more Carlton Richmond games at the MCG than all my other AFL games put together. Out of about 8 matches I have only seen the Tigers win (and sung the beautiful club song) ONCE. Spoiler alert - this record still stands.The one win was round 22, 1999, the night the scoreboard caught fire.

I was in Melbourne primarily for Presentation Night (see below) but took the opportunity to gather together my group of originally-Tasmanian mates who all barrack for Carlton, and get along to see Richmond go into a game as favourites for once.

As a sentimentalist I insisted we meet under the clocks at Flinders Street - John and Michael were there but Alex was coming from the south so he insisted on meeting us at the G rather than sailing past it on the train. It was a beautiful day, and we got pints of proper beer on board by the Yarra before taking the new (to me) walkway over to the coliseum, where mid-strength beer is now the rule.

We gathered by the statue of Ponsford and waited for Alex. And waited. The other boys went in, I said I would wait for him but was overruled. I had his ticket, was trying to call him, getting nowhere, didn't want to miss the bounce, ran in and out through the turnstiles three times, did miss the bounce, and almost missed the first goal. Between that and second goal I finally located the man whose nickname is Tardy [Surname Suppressed] for good reason. I finally settled into my seat in 2nd tier above the right back pocket, and drank it all in. What a magnificent sight it is - like a huge banquet laid out in front of a starving man.

Back to the first goal - what was Malthouse thinking starting promising under 13s player Josh Bootsma on dual Coleman Medallist, Jack Riewoldt? That's tanking, that is. The first time the ball came their way Riewoldt just unbalanced Bootsy who slid to the ground, while the high-stepping show pony dawdled into goal and hoisted the ball over the cheer squad into the top tier. Which set the tone for the first quarter.

We were down the other end and I had not brought the binoculars, so I had only a distant view of our eight first-quarter goals. I saw Jacko nail one, and Vickery, and they just kept coming. I had decided to watch Alex Rance's work behind the play on Lachie Henderson, and actually picked a bad quarter to do it because my study kept being interrupted by goals. I did see one pretty weak effort by David Astbury when he was beaten for agility by 9-foot Blues ruckman Warnock. I was already halfway to wearing out my voice, and barracking like the hopeless once-a-year man-in-the-outer that I am. "MATTY MATTY MATTY MATTEEEEEEEEEEE" I yelled as various smaller players who were not Matt White (late withdrawal) kicked goals or executed snappy give-and-gos. "BURY IT TROY!!!!" as Tyrone Vickery lined up the big sticks. After that I just called him a different Irish county every time he got the ball. "MAYO!!" "WATERFORD!!!!" Yes, the beer was working wonders and I'm sure rows BB and AA were regretting it.

I had planned to tweet through the match and keep in touch with various Blues and Tigers around the ground and around the country by text, but had creatively left my phone in the car when Elf dropped me at the airport. I had a replacement phone but without all the numbers it was a bit useless. So I focused on the boofheads I was with. They had been gloomy about their chances, and at five goals down by 2 o'clock they were feeling pretty dire.

But the 2nd quarter was all Carlton, six goals to 2, so again all the action seemed to be miles away. McLean kicked three and the general impression around us was that this was an admirable but doomed fightback from an undermanned team who would never be able to sustain it. Our skipper Cotchin was very quiet though, and in the back of my mind I started to go over all those other losses to the Blues. Alex is late, I forget or mislay something important and Richmond lose - its usually like clockwork.

At halftime I found Joe from Launceston over in the other pocket. He had his mind made up - we were going to lose. I said that we had just let them back in it as we need to generate a finals-like atmosphere in the second half to practice for the weeks ahead. The Tigs are guaranteed finals participants for only the 3rd time since 1982.

I think in the 2nd half, that fact - guaranteed finals - eroded some of our competitive spirit. Maric was trying hard, Grigg and Conca and Ellis were pretty busy, Deledio must have had 12 or 14 running bounces for the game. But the goals wouldn't come. Had a close-up look at Eddie Betts having kittens about taking a set shot. I've never seen anything like it - if modern-day Wayne Harms had suddenly appeared behind him I think Eddie would have dished off a handball, even though he was only 20 metres out on a 30 degree angle. Grimes was not very effective in his first game for months, and subbed for Tucky.

The mood was strange. On the scoreboard we could see that the Suns were touching up the Power (ugh to expansion club nicknames, UGH) and that gave the Blues fans a bit of a whiff of finals themselves. The Richmond crowd were, like the players, cushioned from the usual misery of fluffing a winnable game by the very UNusual thought - we'll be back here in a final in 3 weeks, win, lose or draw today.

And so it went. There were signs of a late rally, and if there had been another 5 minutes the Tigs may have pulled it out of the fire, but ... siren went with Carlton 10 points up and my delirious so-called friends reminding me that they are the old dark navy blues. Actually they were very kind, and said they wished the Tigs had actually won since I had come such a long way. Again, like so many times before, I reflected that I had really enjoyed their company, the big occasion and the quality of the game, but was really disappointed with how Richmond fell away conceding 13.8 to 6.10 after quarter time. It was just complacency and a few players deciding to coast.

My plan had been to leave the old dark navy blues and have a few drinks at the Cricketers Arms with the boys from Launceston before finding a cab to Tullamarine to fly home. This was always a dangerous plan, and with the unexpected bereavement of a loss I felt at liberty to change it. I said goodbye to Alex and Michael and walked back to Flinders Street with John. On the way through the parkland we passed a few kick-to-kicks, and one bit of old fashioned man-on-man scragging with no ball in sight. A bloke in a Richmond guernsey upended his mate in a Carlton guernsey on the grass in a textbook tackle, pinning the arms. In a yelling mood and 5 or 6 mid-strengths to the good, I called "He hasn't got it umpeee! He hasn't goddddddddddddddit! He didn't bring it!!! IT'S AT HOME ON THE COFFEE TABLE UMPEEEEEEEE."

Old mates and beer are the keys to unlocking a much wider emotional range than I usually have. John and I slipped into another Yarra-side bar for a last pint together, then he got on his train and I went up to Little Bourke St to find solace in dumplings. You had to order them with an iPad.

Tigerland

I just had a great few days in Melbourne with plenty of downtime to just roam. I spent a few hours around Punt Rd and the back streets of Richmond. 

While I was taking a picture of Jack Dyer's statue, an old bloke came up and said "He really did have a massive head y'know." It was Chopper Read. I said "How are you, Chopper?" He said "Oh yeah, OK, apart from the cancer". 

Went to Richmond v Carlton yesterday - Tigers put the cue in the rack at quarter time, 36 points up and still lost. Frustrating. But great to see Alex, Michael and John and spend some blokey time yelling and drinking.

Photo: Sebastian Costanzo, The Age

Photo: Sebastian Costanzo, The Age

Presentation Night

I am off to the mainland for the first time this year, to attend a football/music mashup called Presentation Night. It consists of one beloved footballer (and music fanatic), one national music legend (and footy tragic), compered by a man with impeccable cred in both discplines, Francis Leach. The organiser is music A&R man Andy Kelly. The stars this time are Matthew 'Richo' Richardson and Tim 'Tim Rogers' Rogers.

Our buddy Vincent attended Presentation Night #1, and reported that he was not the only one there wearing a 70s Footy Enigmas shirt. I got in touch with Andy and said how much I wanted to attend #2, thinking it would be an annual thing. Lo and behold, he announced #2 about five minutes later.

So I am off over to Melbourne for a few days to attend this function and also see my Tigers take on the old enemy Carlton. Carlton are msifiring dreadfully at the moment, will be missing about a dozen first choice players, and have next to no chance. Richmond are in their best form in a decade and are warming up for their first finals series since 2001. It promises to be a fine old bloodbath. I am going along with three Melbourne-based pals who all go for the Blues, and they are as buoyant at the prospect as if we were going to a school recorder recital.

Andy asked me to write a spiel about the footy shirts for his Presentation Night blog, and you can read it here. Another online friend is The Holy Boot, and he also asked me to give him some wordage for his blog, which is over here.

Bones on the phone

This starts with a great Aussie photographer, Rennie Ellis. I have seen his books before, full of observational street photography documenting Australia in the 70s and 80s. I became aware of an online gallery of his work last year, and saw this image of a Richmond cult hero, Robbie "Bones" McGhie. This is Grand Final Day 1974, I assume before the match. Bones calms the nerves with a quick durrie.  There is a corresponding post-match pic of Bones downing a can of Vic Bitter. He was quite the lad. I remember his footy card very well as being one of only maybe 2 or 3 that showed tattoos. Kevin Murray is the other one who leaps to mind.

So I thought  - what a great image, maybe it would make a good t-shirt?

Before I did anything with it I want to get approval from the photographer's estate and the subject. I am still waiting to hear from Rennie's people (he died in his sixties in 2003). I found an email for Bones, and sent the design to him for comment yesterday.

He rang me this morning! He's 61 now, still smoking. In fact he started a business manufacturing and distributing those waist-high ashtray bollards. He was affable, said he thought the design was OK and to do whatever I liked. I was a bit blown away, and said I thought it was a great photo. He said yes, he thought so too. And I imagined he was busy with his bollards and his sports-strapping-tape business so I let him go.

But - I have to call him back. He's a dual premiership Tiger! I've got to pester him with some questions about the big games he played in, and being coached by Tom Hafey (one of my all-round heroes in life). Leyton Hewitt's dad once played for Richmond and allegedly left after an altercation with Bones in the carpark. True?

Anyway, I now have BONES McGHIE in my mobile address book. Do you think he would mind if I started texting him during Richmond games like I do every other Tiger supporter I know?

AFL 2103 - scrying the entrails

Premiers: West Coast
Runners Up: Collingwood
Rest of the top 8: Sydney, Adelaide, Hawthorn, Geelong, Fremantle, Richmond
Wooden Spoon: Melbourne
Brownlow Medal: Scott Pendlebury, Collingwood
Coleman Medal: Jack Darling, West Coast (67)
Richmond Outlook: In the mix with Freo, Essendon, North and Carlton for unwinnable 7th and 8th spots. To just see them in a final would be amazing for Marcus who was born after their great finals run of 2001.

Richmond 21.11 (137) d Hawthorn 10.15 (75)

Yesterday Richmond merely outplayed Hawthorn in the first two quarters. In the 3rd quarter they wore them down to an exhausted and hollow shell of a football team, which they then ground into the dirt in the last quarter. Hawthorn, who had been premiership favourites at the opening siren, were made to look very average.

What's wonderful for Richmond fans is that this is not quite the miraculous bolt from the blue that it may appear. Their form leading into this match suggested to me that they would win, and I tipped them. Last week they came back from 40 points down against ladder leaders Essendon, just failing to hold on. Before that they were competitive in narrow losses to a series of top teams, and convincingly beat Sydney.

I believe this was the real Richmond, and everyone in the AFL really has to get their head around that. There have been so many false dawns with Richmond, that it's not surprising that skeptics have been in the majority. I really think they can beat St Kilda, Fremantle and GWS in the next three weeks, and go into the break on 7 wins / 4 losses.

I listened to the whole game on the radio while cleaning and cooking yesterday. I am not often on my feet for that long - by the end of the game my back was aching and I really felt like I had played the 4 quarters myself. I am completely delighted, and as far as I am concerned that is our best win since the 1995 finals.

RICHMOND 4.4 8.8 13.9 21.11 (137) HAWTHORN 1.3 4.9 8.10 10.15 (75)
GOALS Richmond: Riewoldt 6, King 3, Jackson 2, Martin 2, Edwards 2, Deledio, I Maric, Nahas, Morris, Tuck, Cotchin. Hawthorn: Breust 3, Rioli 2, Roughead 2, Young, Smith, Franklin.
BEST Richmond: Cotchin, I Maric, Foley, Deledio, Tuck, Riewoldt, Morris. Hawthorn: Burgoyne, Roughead, Lewis, Birchall, Whitecross.

Richmond get my goat, even in October

Richmond FC have been bleating in the media about their new logo, and asking for comment whether we like it or not. Despite being a professional graphic designer I have no opinion on the new logo. I think if you are a football team that has only made the finals twice since 1982, you should forget about logo redesigns until you STRING SOME BLOODY WINS TOGETHER.

When you finish a season with more wins than losses, I might be slightly more interested in your corporate makeover.

2011

OK, you might think it has been 2011 for a while. In fact it’s just started. 2011 football season, that is.

So is here is my never-commented-on, probably entirely unread regular AFL Prediction post.

Premiers: Western Bulldogs <–  STOP PRESS: worst prediction I have ever made.
Runners Up: Collingwood
Rest of the top 8: St Kilda, Hawthorn, Essendon, Melbourne, Carlton, Adelaide
Wooden Spoon: West Coast
Brownlow Medal: Brendan Goddard, St Kilda
Coleman Medal: Jack Riewoldt, Richmond (85)
Richmond Outlook: As ever, a rolled gold certainty for ninth

"The legs of a fish"

1995, 2nd Semi Final between Richmond and Essendon. 

Six seconds of Bruce McAvaney commentary gold.

Richo by Martin Flanagan

For Christmas the boys gave me Richo by Martin Flanagan, a biography of one of my favourite footballers, written by my favourite writer. Both of them and I all hail from the North West Coast. I was a bit dubious when I first heard about this book, but I loved it - I could hardly put it down.

Matthew Richardson is such an ordinary bloke in so many ways. According to his mum, he hasn't changed at all since he was two. Flanagan delves into some Coast football history to explain where Richo came from. He's about 8 years younger than me, but he played with and against guys that I knew at school, and was mentored by guys that my father played against. (In discussing the book with Dad I learned that Dad once played on a 16 year-old Darrel Baldock, and hardly caught sight of him all day.)

There are a couple of priceless photos in there. One shows five Coastal boys in the Richmond rooms after a win; Chris Bond from Wynyard, Ben Harrison and Richo from Devonport, and the Gale brothers Benny and Michael, from Penguin. The other pic is a school portrait from around Grade 3. Imagine trying to teach that!

© Matthew Richardson Promotions and Martin Flanagan 2010

© Matthew Richardson Promotions and Martin Flanagan 2010

Round 22

I have kept my silence about football since May 2009, when I was so fed up with my team I decided to just put them on ice for 12 months. Exactly one year later, after round 6 this season, I sat down and looked at the pros and cons of going back to supporting the Richmond Tigers.

(Er - I just checked and I did in fact blog both the AFL and SFL grand finals last September. But those were more cultural event than football matches, right?)

After Round 6 they had lost every game, and were fielding a side that was being called "the worst AFL twenty-two to take the field since the days just before Fitzroy folded". I made some notes, and my expectation was that they would somehow win one game this year, and would actually never make the finals before 2020, when the club would be merged or relocated and cease to exist. That was my prediction.

So I decided to come back to Richmond and stick with them to the bitter end. I'd had my blissful 12 month holiday, where their problems weren't my problems. It was the respite I needed to build up my strength.

After 10 rounds we had still not won a game. My prediction was looking pretty accurate. The former drug addict big news recruit was suspended by the club for a week for punching a drunk teammate, then was hospitalised with "stomach problems". It all seemed to be sliding downhill as per the script.

Then the Tigers cracked their first win, and followed it up with four more over the next five weeks. After that they only managed one more win, but generally were competitive. Today was their last game of the season - after a valiant comeback from 54 points down, they fell short by 10 points. Our young full-forward Jack Riewoldt came good so spectacularly that he won the league goalkicking award. Our list which looked dismal in May now looks incredibly promising. The former drug addict recruit finished his footy career today, so the club will be all about youth and the future, rather than a sideshow to his smugness.

To be honest - just about everyone at the club has been unstinting in their praise of his efforts on and off the field. I have never liked him, didn't want him, and am glad he's gone. That's just me though.

As the Tigers never make the finals, Round 22 is the end for them. Each year on one weekend eight clubs bow out, and a number of champions are farewelled from the game. (The sad truth is that old players who aren't champions are usually elbowed aside earlier in the season, and make their last appearance playing in the Ballarat Bombers or the Preston Bullants in front of a crowd of 1377). The smug one has pulled a lot of focus this year, but it's really wonderful to see the warm and generous tributes that all these guys get from opponents as well as team-mates.

And I am optimistic for the Tigers next year. Will I never learn?

Football rant - enter at your own risk

[Picture: Craig Borrow, News Ltd]

What the hell is going on at Richmond? Their coach is not the worst ever. The playing list is respectable, with the bonuses of a 34-year-old star getting a second wind, and a Brownlow-medal winner who has just fallen in their lap (since the other 15 clubs took a step backwards due to his age, dodgy hamstrings and drug issues).

But the results are just pathetic. They are underperforming massively. They have put it together here and there for a few quarters in the four games so far, but lost them all and deserved to.

I am of the mind that Terry Wallace should stand down as soon as possible. I honestly don't think it matters who takes over. I'm serious. It really doesn't matter. If they got a new coach and then came out straight away and played like champions, it would only make me despise the players even more. Wallace has been there nearly five years, this is his list, and it's riddled with cheats and bludgers. He's not going to be able to do anything in the next five months that he has failed to do in five years. So Terry should do the right thing and clear out his desk.

I have a lot of seething regrets about things that have happened, but it's not going to change anything to revisit those. So I will try to workshop some solutions.

The following are on the market for smugly underperforming regularly
Nathan Brown
Jordan McMahon
Jay Schulz
Cleve Hughes

The following are on the market for being not up to scratch due to skill limitations and/or age (neither of which are their fault)
Jake King
Jarrad Oakley Nicholls
Shane Edwards
Kayne Pettifer
Kane Johnson
Troy Simmonds
Adam Pattison

The fans have been howling for Richard Tambling to be ditched for years, but I would actually persist with him. Deledio is another smug underachiever, but his potential is such we just must hang onto him. Also in the "giving us nothing but need to be patient" category is Mark Coughlan - surely one day he'll be fit?

Polak and Cousins are special cases. The club owes them a duty of care for the rest of the season and needs to see if they want to continue in 2010. There is certainly lots of room on the list once the 11 above have shot through.

Richo and Joel Bowden have been great servants of the club through awful times. They have their knockers but I say they've earned the right to play on as long as they wish. The rest of the older players (Brown, Johnson, Simmonds) have got to go to effect change. For the rest of the season, give the next tier of players a chance to show by their deeds if they are really good enough to represent the club in the good times that we hope are ahead. They are certainly good enough to get a game ahead of some of the rabble that has been out on the field this season.

Is it really too much to ask that the Tigers field 22 players who really want to do their best?

Carlton 23.12 (150) d Richmond 9.13 (67)

I hopped over to Melbourne on Thursday afternoon for the first match of the new football season, Richmond v Carlton at the MCG. The hype leading in to the game was massive, with tickets sold out. I tipped the Tigers to win by 11 points. While I was making a toasted cheese sandwich I had a very strong premonition of Mitch Morton kicking six goals.

It was Ben Cousins' first game for Richmond after being sacked by his old club and then copping a 12 month suspension from the AFL, for lying about his drug addiction. Cousins would be lining up against his former West Coast premiership captain Chris Judd, now with Carlton. Apart from this drama, everyone was expecting both sides to be big improvers this year, and to put on a good show.

John picked me up at the airport. He works in the area, and we swung by his office on the way into the city. All around there are acres and acres of office buildings, warehouses and workshops that look like they dropped from the sky overnight. It is all very new, and feels like a hastily populated paddock. Even when you are walking down a glossy marble-floored hallway on the second floor of an office building, you still feel that you are in the hinterland of a large pastoral holding.

The drive through the city took over an hour. The Grand Prix is in town as well, and with a crowd of 90,000 heading for the football like us it wasn't surprising we crawled along. John had teed up with a friend to use her parking spot in a back lane about 5 minutes walk from the MCG.

While John and I were shoveling down large mediocre burgers from a food van, Alex and Michael arrived. Just as we were getting toey about the time, the fifth member of the party, Vincent rang. He was standing near us somewhere in the crowd so I waved my hand above my head to help him zero in. I happened to have two tickets in my hand and I had to rebuff a few people who thought I was a scalper.

Once we were all together we surged in and up, up, up. We got to row Z in the Olympic Stand and kept climbing. At last we reached our seats in DD. The MCG is simply massive. As always its so impressive how the opposing fans mix so peacefully. Vincent and I were backing Richmond while John, Michael and Alex were there to see Carlton do the business. Its common to see couples or whole families with split allegiances.

Richo hit the post after about one minute. The next four scoring shots were Carlton goals, all from Richmond turnovers in defence. From the very beginning Richmond's skills were woeful. The headline in Friday's Herald Sun was eloquent; STILL LAZY, SLOPPY & INCOMPETENT. As Elf said, the word that hurts most there is "still". Carlton won by 83 points, and it would be very surprising if Richmond are not bottom of the ladder after round 1. Oh, and the super recruit tore his hamstring early in the last quarter and is out for 4-6 weeks. Mitch Morton kicked 4 - the toasted cheese oracle was just a little off.

As it was a work night, Vincent and John excused themselves and took off afterwards. Poor Vincent, he could have had a lovely quiet night reading a book or cleaning the fridge, and I dragged him out to watch Richmond. Michael, Alex and I snudged off along Swan Street looking for and failing to find coffee. No, I didn't know that was possible in Melbourne either. I ordered a round of soft drinks at the Post Office Hotel, and chatting to the barman about the game mentioned I had come over solely to watch Richmond and would fly home the next day. He gave me the drinks for free. Richmond are literally that pitiful.

Carlton 17.16 (118) d Richmond 12.16 (88)

I went over to Melbourne for the day, to join in Richmond's centenary celebrations. They joined the VFL in 1908. Apparently they wore insipid striped jumpers in the first two seasons, which made a comeback for the occasion on Saturday (with 21st century advertising superimposed of course). They were playing the old enemy Carlton, in a game with a lot of genuine importance for both sides' finals aspirations, over and above the centenary guff.
The morning before the game there was a merchandise-fest at the Punt Road oval, beside the MCG. Joe went over for the day too, and I met up with him and his Launceston mates there, where they were queueing for something or other. There were a range of queues to join. Some tired looking older gentlemen were signing autographs - I didn't actually recognise any of them, so I bailed out of that queue. After I had soaked up some more Punt Road atmosphere I thought it was time to move on.

I met Alex, John, Carmen, Michael and Cooper, (all Carlton fans) at a pub in Swan St for lunch before the game. Alex was tardy, Michael and John have a running punt on how late exactly he will be for each event. We wolfed down some very good pub food (even pricey pub food is much cheaper than AFL prices) - then got moving. We had tickets just along from Joe in the new Ponsford Stand, roughly where I had sat with the family at the Adelaide match 3 weeks prior.

We flowed into the MCG among a massive crowd. Soon after we got settled the Tigers ran out onto the field, and the huge atmosphere went flat. Their jumpers! Holy hell, they looked terrible. The sound was that of 73,503 people turning to the person next to them and saying "Oh - they look like Hawthorn don't they?" I just hope the marketing geniuses were there to see it too. Something that looks great when paraded up close in front of the media might be worth having a look at from a distance, next time.

The foolishly stripey Tigers were the better team through the first half, as they were against Adelaide. Kelvin Moore was having a blinder on Fevola, who had no impact at all. Richmond goaled after the siren at the end of the first three quarters, but going into the last only led by a point. Carlton kicked 7 goals to two in the final quarter, with big fat Nick Stevens getting 12 touches. At one stage he smothered a shot on goal, then gathered and passed out of defence, to set up a Carlton goal. Alex remarked Stevens has been bulking up on burgers to become a smother specialist.

I have now seen Richmond play maybe ten times, for a total of one win. Obviously I should stop going. For some reason, it just didn't bother as much as it should have. I actually found the inevitability of their failure somehow soothing. I was among friends I don't get to see very often, and they were being fairly gentle with my feelings. And I only had to squint slightly to imagine it wasn't happening to Richmond at all - it was actually Hawthorn on a bad day.


We went to a different genteel pub after the game, where we were the only football fans. It was quiet and dark. I took off my scarf and slurped a flat white. The MCG seemed a very long way away. John and Carmen dropped me off in the city where I rejoined Joe and his pals. I thought the 4 of us could share a cab to the airport as they were flying out just before me. But they had come in on the Skybus, and had return tickets - those muppets. I don't know why anyone catches the Skybus unless they are travelling alone. So I shelled out for the Skybus too.

I had ages to wait at the airport, and the place was practically all closed. I had nothing to read except the Footy Record. Its always such a mind-numbing read, as everything is the official AFL opinion. Guess what - everything's great! It's pretty sad having to read about what a mouth-watering prospect a game you have just seen was. After an hour or so of reading very obscure stats in an enormous half-empty airport, I realised I am actually a bit sick of football.

Lindy's birthday

We all went up to Launceston on Saturday to attend my old schoolfriend Lindy's 40th birthday shindig. She decided to relive the crazy days of her youth and have a bush dance. It was actually good fun with an experienced caller who knew what he was on about getting everyone heading in the right direction. The evening had a wholesome youth-group type feel to it that is very Lindy.

Michael did his own mysterious but funky balloon dance all night. Marcus was terrific - he really embraced bush dancing, and had an unselfconscious good time. He got a bit rowdy at one stage, and was ticked off, and started in on a bit of a sulk, but managed to get himself out of it. That's a very good sign.

We stayed with Joe and Jill and baby William in Invermay. Before we went out to the party Joe and Marcus and I gathered around the radio with our heads in our hands as Richmond hung on to beat Port Adelaide by 4 points. We were outscored 5 goals to 1 in the final quarter. Hope springs once more that we might sneak into the finals. There to be poleaxed by a serious contender like Geelong, no doubt.

William is looking much more grown up now, and has more hair than his Dad. Joe and Jill are in the midst of adding on a studio out the back of their house where there used to be a couple of sheds. I can't quite see how the studio is going to be a huge improvement over the sheds, but that is entirely due to my lack of imagination.

On the way back to Hobart yesterday, I gave Marcus the part of the newspaper with the footy match reports to keep him quiet. Michael wanted some newspaper too, so I gave him a bit that happened to have some business news and financial world stuff in it. After a few minutes Michael asked "Dad - Is the Australian stock market going to keep falling?" We cracked up. It turned out he was directly quoting the headline of a large ad.