Do I want blips or bloops?

There are many free mp3 sound effects available on the web. I am looking for some little clicks and bips for an interface I am designing, and I have found that in the "Interfaces" category there are all the following categories:

Bangs (5)
Beeps (24)
Blips (16)
Bloops (7)
Booms (2)
Clicks (64)
Clunks (15)
Groans (4)
Knocks (1)
Pops (6)
Roars (2)
Saws (2)
Switches (9)
Tears_and_Rips (2)
Thwacks (4)
Zangs (5)
Zings (5)
Zips (4)
and of course Zoops (11)

A cover at last!

I have always wanted to design a book cover. Not for some fat document that will be distributed to people who will mostly chuck it out or file it. For an actual BOOK. Ideally fiction. I want to be able to go into Fullers Bookshop or Dymocks and see my work in there amongst the Faber & Fabers and Penguins and Jonathan Capes and Phaidons.

Patsy Crawford has asked me to design the cover of her new book of short stories called Blood of a Distant Island. She wrote a good review of a CD-ROM I worked on that dealt with similar landscapes and themes to her book. (see still below) I have just finished the manuscript and I am very excited about the job. I'll post some designs here when I get into it.

A day on the mainland

I flew with my boss to Melbourne for the day on Friday, to talk to the Department of Veterans Affairs about a book and CD-ROM we are doing for them. Steve was supposed to pick me up at 5am, and hadn't shown by 5.30. I was waiting out on the front steps all that time, it was a very mild morning, but I was tying myself in knots worrying about missing the plane. I rang him and it appeared he was in some parallel time zone of his own. We made it, just. When the people at check-in know your name before you open your mouth you are in trouble.

At Hobart Airport when I am boarding the red-eye flight in the dark I always find it strange that when you have toddled out the door onto the tarmac, you are on your own. Your plane might be the one in front of you, or it might be 100 metres up the runway, you have to look at your ticket and the logo on the tail to make sure it's the right airline. And follow the person in front of you. When you have got out of bed at 4am your chances of getting it wrong are pretty considerable. When we did get to the top of the stairs of what was presumably the right plane, there was no-one there, so we ambled in and sat down.

It was a pretty uneventful day actually. I was totally exhausted when we got home, I think from spending most of the day in air-conditioning. I had a tiny little snooze in the meeting but only one person noticed.

Overheard Comment 3

"We had to get rid of our piano, because of the smell"

This is cheating, it was actually said directly to me but if pretend I overheard it I can avoid the tedious business of explaining the context which would just spoil it.

Taking Marcus to the footy

I had a bit of a mix-up with Rob. He thought he and I were going to have lunch and then go to the football. I thought he meant he and his brood would come to our place for lunch and then we would flick on the telly and watch whoever was playing. As a fix-up to the mix-up Elf and I and the boys met him at the pub for a counter lunch, then Rob and Marcus and I continued on to the football and Elf and Michael went shopping. It had been a lovely sunny morning, so we didn't bother taking any particularly warm clothes.

We watched the second and third quarters of a Clarence v Hobart game at the TCA ground up on the Domain. The weather turned bad, with an icy penetrating wind. It wasn't much of a spectacle, but then local football never is unless you know the players, particularly on a blustery day.

We sat up in the very top of the stand and shivered. Pigeons strutted and sparrows hopped about among blowing papers. It was so cold. Then: parrots! Beautiful rosellas appeared from nowhere, playing tag in amongst the rafters of the old grey grandstand. It was a very beautiful moment, totally unheeded (as far as I could tell) by the crowd, intent on the football. I have seen parrots about on the Domain many times, but never have they been such a relief.

We headed for home shortly before threequarter time as we were frozen, and Marcus can't stand the sound of the siren.

Italy 1 d France 1 (penalties 5-3)

I was having trouble getting Marcus to bed last night so I promised I would wake him before the end of the World Cup Final this morning. I made him promise to go back to bed after it was over.

I duly woke him to see the last 10 minutes, plus extra time, plus penalties. He then refused to go back to bed, and argued loudly, waking up the rest of the family. So, although I generally enjoyed the final, I think that little difficulty plus Zidane headbutting Materazzi spoiled it for me.

I did enjoy this though - at one stage Marcus said "I wish I was playing in this game - then I would be a bit more famous than I am now".

Home-made hats

Marcus models hats designed and made by himself. This mortarboard-style hat (above) has a large A3-size surface and can be used for carrying other A3-size things.


According to the maker, this is a special hat for me to wear while singing "Tigerland" after a Richmond win.


Michael made this hat out of a porcelain bowl.

A big win for the good guys - Guantanamo

Great news for everyone who believes in fairness and the rule of law - the military tribunals to try the inmates of Guantanamo Bay have been outlawed by the U.S. Supreme Court. The do not match the standards the U.S. military would apply in trying its own soldiers, so they are unconstitutional. I am hopeful this means they will be given fair trials sooner rather than later.

Underpants

I wear Bonds boxers, which are nearly all a nice grey marle, with a few black and one pair of blue. Marcus, on the the other hand, wears little undies in all colours of the rainbow. Sometimes at the supermarket I treat myself to a new pair, and the other night they were only available in 2-packs, black and orange. Well, it won't kill me to wear orange, I thought.

The first day I had them on, I was sitting on the toilet in the evening, pretty tired, when I looked down at the orange pants around my ankles and thought momentarily "Am I Marcus?" It was strange.

Marcus is creating hats at the moment. He is a haberdasher or perhaps a milliner, I'll have to look those words up. Some of his designs are ingenious - and he's doing it all without any urging from us. I'll take and post a few photos when I get some batteries in the camera.

Q. Do you love typewriters?

A. Probably not as much as this guy does. (Try link above for a truly staggering amount of typewriter info and pictures). I am doing some banners for Living Writers week, and for one design I have been looking at a lot of typewriter keys. They are beautiful things, and they often share a common font design, that I am finding very hard to pin down.

There are many sites offering jewellery and knick-knacks made out of old typewriter keys. I would like to get my hands on some (keys, not jewellery) but part of me worries that the trade in keys is compromising the work of typewriter restorers.

And another part of me thinks this is a very minor thing to be worrying about in today's world.

Michael playing 2 of the 5 Blind Boys from Alabama

Complete with a seeing eye Doggie Dog.

Most of his might

We were getting ready to go swimming, and Marcus was describing his technique for putting on shoes.

Marcus: I put my toe in there and then I push this bit down with most of my might.
Dad: [Snort] Did you say most of your might?
Marcus: Well, no, ALL of my might... Dad, how do you know how much might you've got?

Its a good question. If you can bench press 100kg, is that a numerical value for your "might"?

When we did get to the pool, Marcus surprised himself and me by paddling along with his flotation ring without touching the bottom - the first time he's done it. I've been trying to get him interested in swimming lessons, and I think he now understands that you don't have to be able to swim already to go to lessons. I have used the prospect of going fishing with me when he can swim as a carrot. I hope no-one tells him how hopeless I am at fishing.

Watching soccer with an American

I watched the game last night at my workmate Nathan's place. His partner Rachel is Texan. At one stage when Vince Grella attempted a tackle and an Italian was waltzing away from him, she was moved to scream: "Totallytotallygetup duuuuuude!!"

Italy 1 d Australia 0

Our glorious cup run is over. I am very very tired, I have a meeting in eighteen minutes and I don't have any shoes on. I just proposed that we (workmates) go up to the Landsdowne Cafe for a lunchtime wake. But then I thought - can you have a wake when you are three-quarters asleep?

Enough nonsense about a "controversial" penalty. About 95% of penalties are controversial. Italy found a way to win, as I kind of knew they would. Good luck to them - they held on very well with 10 men.

Now - I am going to find an A-league team to barrack for and try to maintain my interest for the next 4 years. I just have to find one with a not-too-silly name (Queensland Roar are out of the running).

Waiting for a mattress

We are waiting for Michael's new mattress to be delivered. While we wait - why not eat a few pears?

Michael is moving out of his cot, a very exciting development. We are giving it to Sharon and Andrew next door who are having a baby in September. Marcus has asked if we can put Michael's bed next to his so they can climb across. We think not.

(PS - Marcus has the patch on his eye for a while each day to correct a weak muscle).

Blog v World Cup

You may have noticed the World Cup has the blog in a sleeper hold and it is down for the count. But I am determined not to let this event [which runs a close second to having a baby in life-disrupting drop-everythingness] sink the blog for good.

Here is a breathless rundown of family events.

I went to see Cars with Marcus, having already seen it with Elf. It was his first outing to the cinema. The audience totalled eight - I have been to bigger video nights. Marcus loved it, didn't fall asleep (it went past his bedtime) and as the predictable happy ending - with a little lesson for us all - materialised during the final car race, he was on his feet, standing on his seat, fists pumping and shouting "YEAH!!" I would say he gave it an A+, and from me, an A.

Marcus and I have been playing A LOT of soccer. He insists on it being him versus me, and is not interested in any kick-to-kick. Soccer is all about personal glory for him, which is probably pretty standard among 4 year old boys. I know you can watch an entire under-8 game and not see one intentional pass.

I have been watching a few of the 5am kickoff games, usually levering myself out of bed about 5.30 to watch the last two thirds. Inevitably one or both boys is up and sitting with me for the last half hour. Yesterday I watched an enthralling game between Mexico and Argentina, decided by a sublime goal from Rodriguez of Argentina. I had Marcus with me from about 5.40 onwards. He came stumbling out rubbing his eyes, looked at the scoreboard Mexico 1 - Argentina 1 and said "Hmm - its Mongolia 1 and Angola 1 I suppose is it?" He is "supposing" a lot lately.

Michael said to Elf at breakfast this morning - "Are you sitting across from me mum?" Elf said yes, she was. Michael said "And I am sitting across from you aren't I?"

We still await building quotes. Apparently they have to dig a big hole for the quote, then pour concrete foundations for the quote so it doesn't wobble - then obviously frame the quote up before moving onto laying the first few courses of bricks, before they put up walls etc to get the quote to "lock-up" stage. I'm not sure when the quotes will be finished but I am sure they will be very confortable to live in while we wait another 10 years for an actual house.

Lily's 4th birthday was yesterday, and fine event it was too. Nick and Anna rolled it in with Katherine's first and Nick's 40th (which was very much bottom of the bill in very small writing). Lily is my god-daughter. Which reminds me Elf was reading a picture book about Noah's Ark to Michael last night when he said "What does this say?" - pointing to the word GOD. "That says God" said his Mum, warily. "What's that?" "Er..." Elf summed The Almighty up in a few sentences and Michael continued the book, quite happy with his new knowledge.

I can warn you that it's just going to be Cup, Cup, Cup for a little while now. I haven't written my thoughts on the draw with Croatia - you might have seen a little bit about it in the papers. Over the moon, tickled pink etc. Tonight we play Italy. We are in with a slim chance. With Lucky Guus in our corner we just might do it.

Twenty two!

I sat up with Michael for a while at 3am this morning. He's having trouble sleeping, due to a bad cold and wheeziness. I thought well, I'm sure a bit of World Cup Soccer is just what he needs to get him off to sleep. (Actually, I was sure it would do no such thing, but I was too weak to NOT turn on the telly when I knew it was all happening.) Sure enough, instead of being lulled off to sleep by the soothing green pitch and the repetitive passing of the well-drilled but not very creative Saudi Arabians, Michael yelled every time he saw some numbers, like the score, or the back of a player's shirt.

Off to sleep little bundle.
I saw two twos there! Twenty two!!
Shhhh. Shhhhhhhhhh.
THREE! THREE! THREE! THREE!

Etcetera. We watched another twenty minutes, until the end of the match, under a gentleman's agreement that he would then go back to the cot with Doggie and give it another try.

Mental health first aid

On my way down Petty St this morning I could see a lady standing at her gate, rocking from one foot to the other. She had the sun behind her so I couldnt tell if she was looking back at her house or up the road towards me - I guess she was trying to look around me to see iuf her friend was coming diown to walk to work with her or something.

When I got closer I could see she was looking down the side of her house (probably checking the dog that lives there was safely locked away) and then rattling the gate, maybe to check the catch was on. She rocked from side to side for about two minutes as I walked down. Dog, gate, dog, gate, dog, dog, dog again, gate, dog, gate, dog, etc etc.

I guess she is obsessive compulsive and does this every morning,but I hadn't see it before. I wonder if a well intentioned bystander should try to help an obsessive compulsive, or if you should just let them be, like a sleepwalker.

I know there is a such a thing as a mental health first aid kit - I am interested to know more about it.

Latest From Brazilian newspapers

From Gazeta Esportiva.net

Brazil came back the field in the beginning of the afternoon of this sunday to face the Australian truculent ones, with Ronaldo sanctioned in the attack to the side of Adriano. The player detached the sovereignty of the defensive sector ahead canarinho of the Australian giants, that they had abused the aerial balls in the duel of this sunday. "We knew that it would be difficult and that we would not gain all, but lead best in the majority and we do not pass great scares" pondered shirt three.

Juan was didactic: "As they were marking our stockings individually, these exits finish being important to open spaces".

Brazil did not enchant, error passes in surplus and showed an inexplicable desentrosamento. Beyond Ronaldo not having obtained to produce what of it if it waited, its homonym gaucho found difficulties in leaving the marking, arriving, also, to step on inside in the ball of the area in play for the right.

You launch them of bigger danger of the initial stage had finished happening in favor of Australia. Exactly abusing the violent game and the maldosas entrances, the teams of the Oceania obtained to emplacar some dangerous counterattacks, in kicks of long distance and balls raised for the area. In the final minute, Bresciano, that substituted Popovic, took off ink of the travessão of the Brazilian goleiro, at the best moment of the first time.

That's exactly how I saw it.

Lovely day out in Launceston

Jeff Blake and I went up to see the Tigers play Hawthorn in Launceston. They were overwhelming favourites, not something we have been able to boast very often in the last 20 years. It was a "danger game" - a phrase I have personally never used about a Richmond fixture before. But we were pretty sure we'd be singing the club song all the way back down the Midland Highway.

We were wrong. The Tiges didn't turn up to play. Even the warm-up was woeful. They trailed all day and went down by about six goals. We had fun all the same. We hooked up with my mate Joe and his wife Jill, it was a perfect day and Joe even had a beer tab he shared with us. (Lights Elf, all lights).

The only downer was Jeff decided the Hawks club song was kind of catchy, and kept breaking into it all the way home to Hobart.

Brazil 2 d Australia 0

I really enjoyed the game this morning. Australia were combative, creative and dangerous. We had many more shots on goal but the Brazilians were the only ones to find the net. Apart from a terrible bit of butchery by Vince Grella on Ronaldo, we were also pretty clean. He probably should have been off for an early spa.

I had a busy weekend and I didn't realise until our game was over that Japan and Croatia had drawn 0-0. This means we are still in 2nd place in our group and only need a draw to proceed. It also means that after we were a goal down this morning, conceding any more goals didn't matter that much.

I'm working on a series of maps for the London Grid for Learning at the moment, and with the Cup on at night and this occupying me during the day, I am feeling very much the Citizen of the World. (The London Grid is the education body overseeing schools in the 33 boroughs of London, including 1.3 million kids. In just one borough they hail from 120 different nationalities).

Johnny Warren doco

I loved the biography of Johnny Warren on SBS last night. I have been aware of him as a soccer pundit but I knew nothing about his playing career. He was a bit of a ladies man as well. If this had been an Aussie Rules doco you can bet this would have been pushed to the fore, but here it was only evident because many of the people speaking warmly but honestly about him were captioned "ex de-facto wife" "ex-wife" and "girlfriend".

He was captain of the national soccer team in 1970, when we missed out on the World Cup by losing to North Korea. Before the 1974 cup he suffered a knee injury, and wasn't expected ever to come back. He was replaced as captain. He fought his way back from the injury to be selected again, and went to West Germany for the 1974 cup. He broke a bone in his foot in the first game and that was it.

He dedicated himself to spreading the word about soccer throughout Australia. I started playing in 1977. Without knowing it I probably benefited a lot from his efforts to improve standards of skills, fitness and coaching, and also to spread the game beyond its immigrant base in this country.

Johnny contracted lung cancer in 2002 and died in late 2004, six months too soon to see us qualify for this World Cup. It was very emotional to see the footage again of that match against Uruguay in Sydney the tribute to Johnny that preceded it, and see his family and friends there so overwhelmed by it all.

Good on you Johnny Warren.

Bee Crossings

From Elf: Marcus was crossing the 'roads' in the carpark with me and said... 'mum, these are really BEE crossings, not zebra crossings - see? they have yellow stripes instead of white ones'. This was said in his slow reflective way - more thought than spoken i think.

Australia 3 - Japan 1

Bloody amazing. A watershed day in Australian sport. We have one foot in the second round of the World Cup! I was amazed that the 3rd goal was treated by all analysts as a cherry on top of the cake. It is very likely we will need goal difference to go through to the next round, so this spare goal in extra time could be the most important one ever scored for Australia.

Someone else had this idea and I am going to nick it because I thought it was quite touching - here are all the old socceroos I can think of. Thank you to all of them for flying the flag in the tough times.

| Johnny Warren | Peter Wilson | Oscar Crino | Gabe Mendez | Jeff Olver | Alan Davidson | Robbie Zabica | Milan Blageovic | John Kosmina | Paul Wade | Aurelio Vidmar | Tony Vidmar | Damian Mori | Craig Foster | Ned Zelic | Charlie Yankos | Milan Ivanovic |

The blog has been off the air partly due to the World Cup and busy times at work. I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better.

Playtpus sighting

We had a big outing to Mt Field National Park yesterday for the Queen's Birthday holiday. Its a beautiful drive way up into the Derwent Valley. When we got there we trotted off to have a look at beautiful Russell Falls, and everyone was very impressed (including Doggie).




Marcus with his chin stuck out, characteristic of one of his trying moods.

We had lunch there and pottered around a bit. There is a big clearing near the park office, and Marcus and I went for a stroll across and back. While we were coming back Elf was waving her arms and pointing up in the sky. There were two wedge-tail eagles circling above us, but some distance away. We kept a close eye on Michael for a while in case they took a fancy to him as a tidbit.

We drove back up the road to Something WIld, a new-ish wildlife sanctuary with big pictures of a platypus, tassie devil, wombat and wallaby out the front - Marcus called this the "menu". It might be coincidence but Marcus is starting to let his vegetarian thing slip a bit now.

Michael was generally disgraceful at Something WIld which detracted from the experience somewhat. But we did see a platypus in the wild - floating on the surface of the Tyenna River, taking his time and doing what platypi do. The sanctuary have made a lookout which unobtrusively overlooks a bend in the river, and the guide said that there is an 85% chance you will see a platypus there. We were thrilled, particularly Elf. They also have spotted quolls, forester kangas, pattable wombats and golden possums.

The drive home was lovely, there is something very beautiful about the Wellington Range when seen from up the Derwent Valley. The boys were fairly hyper from start to finish, and so it certainly wasn't a relaxing day, but it was good to get out and about and see something new.

International irritated by hard Australia

From Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf (translated badly by computer)

ROTTERDAM - international of the Dutch elftal had no well word after the oefeninterland against Australia (1-1) for the manner of game of the australiërs. "I found it too far go”, thus Phillip Cocu, which left the duel injured. "I am really a proponent of male football. But you do not have enter a game with the intention to kick players.”

Beside Phillip Cocu also Giovanni of Bronckhorst and Wesley Sneijder the duel - the last before the world championship starts football - concluded rather than planned. Van Bronckhorst hard was touched by wild a tackle of Luke Wilkshire. Sneijder injured themselves at a attempt a ball on the aim of Australia shoot.

Van Bronckhorst found the way on which Wilkshire did not continue on him normal. "If I do not ventilate half in had hung the moment he touched me, I had now been already on gone to house. I do not get why he did it. He got rid of the ball knullig, perhaps it was for this reason. But if how they contracted today the duels, then it seemed exactly or the WK for them see you already started were. I weet really not what their intention was.”

Cocu touched themselves injured by a hard tackle of mark Viduka. "I had the feeling which he touched me wilful. The ball was already. I bundle of it also real that I am injured now. I was exactly fit and had no more charge of my hamstring and was in fact entirely free of complaints. I want play a sharp game, but this went me really too far. I have also said after result against Hiddink that it beat nowhere on.”

Also ears Robben, which escaped some hard summary offences cunning, were not speak after the duel a lot concerning the hardness of Australia. "If you see how those Wilkshire continue on Van Bronckhorst... that is really a schande. Then have you no respect for each other. If you do something like that, then that stores nowhere.”

Bondscoach Marco van Basten were it nothing once with its international. He did not find that the australiërs exceeded against oranje a border: "Players who cannot against that, have a large problem in my eyes. We had in some cases much improve ourselves must arm.”

A distinct lack of respect

Michael has picked up a wide vocabulary of disrespectful sniping from his brother.

Michael: "I'm going to put you in the bin Mummy. And I'm going to put Daddy in the bin. And I'm going to put Marcus in the bin."
Elf: "What if I put you in the bin too?
Michael: "No, I'm going to stay in the big white car."

A large Betty Woods thanks

When you develop a new variety of plant, it appears you can name it whatever you want. I have here a Dazzling Daylilies catalogue. Choose from Honky Tonk Dream (large, cardinal red), Canadian Border Patrol (large, cream ivory with ruffled purple), Irving Schulman)large, deep lavender) or Betty Woods (large, double yellow).

Elf has a Better Homes and Gardens mag, with a special on screening plants. There is a new type of hedge called Goodbye Neighbours.

Burt's Buoy and Knipper explained

You may have read this morning's book report and thought - what the hell is a Knipper? Thanks to diligent word-hound Michael Lean of Surrey Hills, Victoria we now know this is a Knipper. I don't know where the K went.

Figure 55. Burt's nipper, invented by Peter Burt, a British ship builder, in 1818. It was used to keep the sounding line vertical in spite of the motion of the ship. It was used by the British Admiralty along with a device of the same type designed by Massey. Credit: Sailing for Science - the NOAA Fleet Then and Now.

Hope for the swede

I'm quoting someone else's news website here.

Oasis Juice Bar manager Anthony Trattos said Cyclone Larry hadn’t affected the business at all.
He said they would continue to use the same quantities of apples and bananas in their products for the same prices as before the cyclone. Mr Tomasel said in the long run Larry might increase demand for apples. 'But there will be a whole lot of other beneficiaries,' he said. 'Mandarins should do well when the season starts and it will influence the whole fruit and vegetable market.'

I hope the swede gets a much-needed boost from Larry too. Don't forget the swede is the offcial root vegetable of the 2006 FIFA World Cup©.

Icy walk

I nearly broke my neck slipping on the ice, on my way down the rivulet past the Female Factory this morning. It's been about 1° overnight. As I got to the top of the zigzag track I could see the river. What was interesting was that I couldn't see the other side at all. There is often a huge solid bank of river fog, with definite edges (called the Bridgewater Jerry). This morning it was thick enough to block out the Eastern Shore, but in such a way that if you had never seen the view before, you might think you were looking out to the open sea.

Book report: Barrow's Boys by Fergus Fleming

I read this book a couple of years ago and have just been noodling through it again. It is about the successes, failures and general lunacy of British exploration in Africa and particularly the Arctic in the nineteenth century. John Barrow was the Second Secretary of the Admiralty. He had a lot of firmly held (but wrong) ideas about geography, and he sent expeditions off to confirm his views. Some of the expeditions were successful. Some limped back in tatters, the missing members buried at sea or on lonely African riverbanks, eaten by lions or left adrift with no food on an ice floe and never seen again.

It's a rattling good non-fiction read. Here is a little exerpt - this is a some of the equipment packed on board Capt. John Ross's vessel the Isabella as it set off for a polar expedition in 1818.

"Henry Kater's pendulum for measuring the ellipticity of the earth, Mr Plentty's Cork Life Boat, Enflefield's Mountain Barometer and Companion, Burt's Buoy and Knipper, Trengrouse's Apparatus for Saving Lives, and Troughton's Whirling Horizon".

Family update

This blog has swerved into being really sporty of late, due to the Tigers winning games and the impending World Cup. You are probably wondering - what' in tarnation is going on with the family? Here is a quick run down.

I am throwing out stuff as fast as I can. And looking for a house to rent when our present abode is demolished.

Elf has thrown out a box of her dire confident-but-wistful novels. She has an enduring cold but is looking forward to making a leadlight window with Susan in Susan's shed.

Marcus has discovered the pocket calculator.

Michael is snatching, grabbing, squealing, and saying "I don't want that silly THING!" whenever offered something.

Gizmo had a bad few days with leg trouble, strange behaviour, and a brief disappearance. He still has a slight limp but otherwise seems very cheerful and back to normal.

Hattie's condition is the same. Bulky, dim but friendly.

Likes/Dislikes for Monday

Likes
Isthmuses
Archipelagoes
Bights
Estuaries

Dislikes
Islets
Inlets
Bays that aren't really bays
Trying to merge two maps with different projections
The whole northern coast of Siberia, because it is SO busy and there are all these big BIG offshore islands, but you know that whether you draw it really accurately or not, no-one will notice or care.

Stills from a short movie

Soccer fatwa

In June Saudi Arabia will be appearing at their third World Cup in a row. I have just come across thisfatwa or religious edict issued by the Saudi Arabian government in August last year to control soccer in their country. It's amusing but also scary, like most extreme fundamentalist rule-making. I am pretty sure it is genuine, but parts are almost too good to be true, Here are the highlights.

In the name of God the merciful and benevolent:
International terminology that heretics use, such as "foul," "penalty", "corner," "goal", "out" and others, should be abandoned and not said. Whoever says them should be punished and ejected from the game.

Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.

Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.

If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.

Do not play in two halves. Rather, play in one or three parts in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the corrupted and the disobedient.

If neither of you beats the other, or "wins", as it is called, and neither puts the leather between the posts, do not add extra time or penalties. Instead leave the field, because winning with extra time and penalty kicks is the pinnacle of imitating heretics and international rules.

You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?

You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.

Clash of Traditional Rivals

The World Cup is nearly upon us, and the match we've all been waiting for is just around the corner. 19 Jun, 10:30pm (AEST), Togo v Switzerland. The long history of Togolese/Swiss sporting enmity is well known. In table tennis, synchronised swimming, badminton, luge, it's well known that the pace will be frenetic and the stakes high when these two nations are matched against one another.

Some say it goes back to the late 19th century when Togolese cocoa exporters and Swiss chocolate makers waged a fierce trade war that was settled with a game of tip'n'run cricket. Disagreement about a close run-out festered, such that today it is one of the world's pre-eminent sporting rivalries, as intense as England/Australia and Namibia/Rumania.

The people of Togo have always found the square flag of Switzerland annoying. They feel it demonstrates that the Swiss think they are special, above everyone else. For their part, the Swiss mock Togo for being a "funny-shaped" country, for their lack of interest in cheese and inability to make decent clocks.

The stage is set for a humdinger. Only 26 sleeps to go.

Football matters - May edition

Richmond won their 4th game from eight on the weekend, a remarkable performance against Adelaide. They were given no chance by anyone, but got three goals in front and then played very disciplined keepings-off for the rest of the afternoon. Their coach is now being demonised, accused of killing football. A lot of the people doing the accusing will be employing the same tactics any time they think it suits the situation and the players at their disposal.

However - I am a bit worried. I've just been doing some statistical analysis. We have won four games without ever winning very comfortably. We have been beaten four times and two were record-breaking floggings. Our percentage now is 70.7 - its a wooden spoon percentage. In fact, it is bad enough to be worse than 7 of the last 10 wooden spoons, even though we are just outside the top eight.

So, we have to win every close game. We are going to climb slowly and fall quickly this season, so we'd better keep climbing, or we might get splinters on our way down the ladder.

Frank outburst from Michael

As we tried to get Michael to eat something at dinner time last night, we must have pushed him a bit too far. "Mumble mumble mutter mutter DISGUSTING!!" I don't know if he meant the food, or our conduct in plonking him in his chair against his will.

Brant and Todd

Last night we watched the million-dollar interview with the surviving miners from the Beaconsfield rockfall. They spoke very well and came across as very genuine, intelligent men. Obviously they are both pretty tough guys or they would not have survived, but there was no false bravado about them. They were very open about the hard times they went through, when they were writing goodbye message to their families, and when Brant started to crack up and Todd threatened to kiss him if he didn't settle down.

I hope they have long happy lives above ground, and that we never hear from them again. They don't seem like guys whose idea of happiness is being on Dancing With The Stars five years from now. It's possible their $1.3m each commits them to popping up on various Channel Nine shows that need a ratings boost.

I thought Tracey Grimshaw did generally very well. Some kind of illustration of their situation in the cage (apart from the one Brant scribbled on a serviette for us) would have been helpful. They showed one briefly from about two weeks ago which turns out to have been incorrect - they had nowhere near as much space as everyone thought. We got very tired of the helicopter footage of the mine head they used to pad the whole thing to two hours. I think in the trade its called helicopter pad.

Grooving with viruses

I love a list, and fortunately, I know you love a list too. Here are some of my favourite viruses, with thanks to Wikispecies, the new complete directory of all known life forms. Keep your eye out for the fetching but deadly Potato Mop-Top and the sneaky but ingenious Tomato Bushy Stunt.

Potato yellow dwarf virus
Infectious salmon anemia virus
Tomato spotted wilt virus
Cricket paralysis virus
Parsnip yellow fleck virus
Rice tungro spherical virus
Cowpea mosaic virus
Tobacco ringspot virus
Barley yellow mosaic virus
Sweet potato mild mottle virus
Wheat streak mosaic virus
Swine vesicular exanthema virus
Striped jack nervous necrosis virus
Tomato bushy stunt virus
Tobacco streak virus
Cucumber mosaic virus
Lettuce infectious yellows virus
Potato leafroll virus
Tobacco ratte virus
Potato mop-top virus
Peanut clump virus
Raspberry bushy dwarf virus
Southern bean mosaic virus
Indian citrus ringspot virus
Apple stem grooving virus

Mt Ossa - equal time for believers

In the spirit of fairness, I am obliged to report that Meredith Newton, of Summer Hill, NSW, claims to have climbed Mt Ossa. (See previous post)

I offer no comment on this except to observe that Ms Newton has been known to iron clothes while wearing them.

Beetroot is a kind of food

We were talking about bushfires. Marcus remembered hearing me talk to James about the last bushfires on Mt Wellington, probably in summer 2004-5 I think.

Marcus: You were talking to someone about Mt Wellington when we were at Thomas and Beetroot's house.
Me:[Snort out my nose]...ah, her name is Beatrice.
Marcus: Oh. That's right, beetroot is a kind of FOOOOOOOOD.

Kinder visit takes me back to 1974

Elf and I went along to kinder yesterday for a sort of open half-day. It was good to have a better look around than I had before. I was amazed how many distant primary school memories started seeping into my consciousness.

About a dozen tables were set up with different activities for kids to do with their parents. One of them was stacking little square connecting blocks on each other. They are very simple blocks, and all you can do is build a tower with them. The thing makes them so engaging especially with boys, is that the blocks come in all the footy club colours. I was transported back to Burnie Primary circa 1974, when I would make black and yellow (Burnie Tigers) dark blue and light blue (Penguin Blues) and green and yellow (Cooee Bulldogs) towers.

Marcus had to wash his hands at one stage and took me out to show me the bathroom. I have seen the bathrooms at Friends modern daycare centre, but this one was a genuine state school bathroom with concrete floor and very basic tiny sinks and toilets. It was all startlingly familiar to me in every detail.

Mt Ossa - an elaborate hoax?

Supposedly the highest mountain in Tasmania (at a piddly 5305 feet), I am beginning to suspect Mt Ossa doesn't exist. Does anyone out there know anyone who has climbed it? Has anyone even seen it? Does its majestic outline feature on any souvenir teatowels?

I say no, no and no. Because, ladies and gentlemen, Mt Ossa is a massive hoax, perpetrated by the well-known Spanish motorcycle and film projector manufacturers as a publicity stunt. This was a well-deserved failure, as apart from many Tasmanian high schools buying the hopeless projectors, sales failed to ensue.

Mothers Day

We had a visit from my old mate Cam, his wife Sarah and their daughter Jasmine on Sunday. Cam and I were soccer team-mates for a long time, a long time ago. We talked about the possibility of getting a new indoor soccer team together - I need something to keep fit in the lawn bowls off-season. [Joke].

Jas is in the same room as Marcus at daycare, and they get on pretty well. There is another Jasmine there who is OK, but not quite in the best friends category. Of course I put the invitation in the wrong Jasmine's pigeonhole, but luckily I saw Sarah on the way out, mentioned it to her and she tracked it down.

Jas plays very well with Michael too. he loves getting a chance to run around in the big kids room. I always fetch him first at Friends, then we go along to get Marcus. All of the kids respond to Michael - some want to hug him and some want to herd him into the corner and pelt him with cushions. I get the impression he is quite popular with the older kids because he can talk so well. He is also reading things, which is alarming.

We went to Citrus Moon for Mothers Day, but I think we will do something nice at home in future. Too crowded, slow service etc. We do love CM but maybe not for special occasions. And they have mysteriously shrunk their kids room by putting a partition across it. The boys both made purple mothers day cards, which were well received.

I have a backlog of Marcus' excellent drawings which I have meant to scan and put here. Stay tuned.

FA Cup

I watched West Ham, the team I have followed since I was seven, play in one of the greatest FA Cup Finals on Saturday night. Liverpool were overwhelming favourites but in 15 minutes of madness early in the first half West Ham were leading them 2-0. Liverpool came back into it solely through the genius of Steven Gerrard, who made and scored three goals, the last in injury time to level the scores 3-3. Extra time was excruciating, but not for the usual reason of pointlessly extending a boring 0-0 match. All subs had been used and both teams had hobbling injured players, some hardly moving at all. Marlon Harewood had a gilt-edged chance to win it for West Ham from two metres out, but could only wave his gammy leg at the ball.

It went to penalties. Pepe Reina had played a dog of a game in goals for Liverpool, but redeemed himself magnificently by saving 3 of West Ham's penalties and winning the game for Liverpool.

Although my team lost, it was a completely exhilarating game and I did not sleep for hours afterwards.

Marcus says...

How does God drive around?

If someone's leg comes off and they get a new one, how do they know how to walk?

What if someone's head comes off and they get a new head?

What would you like to do after kinder on Wednesday?
Maybe if the sun doesn't warm our planet we might be able to go up and play in the snow.

Merchant Navy Ranks

Here are some of the Australian Merchant Navy ranks I found listed. I am keen to know what the hell some of these folks actually DID. Donkeyman Greaser? Come on!

As some ranks are patently made up to embarrass those who were saddled with them, I thought I'd join in. I have added one that I made up myself. Please email me if you think you know which one.

Bosun
Cattleman
Cleaner
Deck Attendant
Deck Boy
Deck Man
Donkey Man
Donkeyman Greaser
Donkey Boy
Extra Purser
Fireman Greaser
Fireman Trimmer
Fireman Wiper
Foam Steward
Galley Boy
Greaser
Hairdresser
Linen Keeper
Messman
Motorman
Musician
Night Watch
Oil Burner
Pantry Man
Room Boy 
Saloon Boy
Scullion
Section Man
Wiper
Youngman

As I would no longer qualify as a Youngman I think I would probably settle for being a Scullion. I believe that involves polishing the figurehead's nose.

Team sports

On Saturday we had a run in the park next to the soccer ground. There was a game on, and we decided to walk back to the car the long way and have a look at it. We ended up sitting in the grandstand and watching the next game for a little while too. Marcus was really getting into it, so we took Elf and Michael home and returned to watch most of the rest. He asked good questions and maintained his interest for most of the game. One of the teams was Kingborough, where I played for three years before Marcus was born. He was excited that it was my team, and took their ups and downs to heart accordingly.

I hope he'll play some kind of team sport when he's a bit older. I played soccer for many years so at least I'll be able to teach him something if that's the way he wants to go, but something else might take his fancy.

I actually regret not having a go at Aussie Rules at some stage when I was young. I love watching it and follow it more closely now than I ever have, but if I had played even one season, I think I would understand it more deeply. I always enjoyed the team environment a lot, and I think it taught me all sorts of good things.

Moon Street, Moolap

I bought Marcus a book about a ladybird who falls out of her tree, and has to use the Tree Directory in her apron pocket to find her way home. Each page has a map and a little story, she meets characters who give her hints, and after each page you have to look up a branch, twig or stem in the directory at the back, eg Fruity Way - Map 5 E4, or Termite Tunnel - Map 2 G1, or Blossom Drive - Map 11 A3. Marcus loved it, but had a bit of trouble understanding the grid reference part. The maps were fairly simple and not too big, and he could usually find the street without needing to grasp the reference bit.

Since he is interested in maps, I thought I’d push it a little further, and I got out the Melbourne UBD and showed him how to find my old street in Elwood, May Street. On a UBD page there is about a thousand streets, so he understood the need to use the reference to concentrate on a square.

Anyway - I ended up looking up streets with funny names for him to find, and I have decided to call this new game Moon Street, Moolap, which was one of the first ones.

Here is a sample (you may want to look these up to verify).
Marcus St 7 A1
Michael St 11 K10
Catjump St 48 G1
Dog Lane 66 D9
Moon St 68 A9
Lion St 45 A9 ... that's about where we ran out of puff.

Leftover from Easter

My friend Mike's kids had this conversation just before Easter

Cooper: Jesus got deaded but then God magiced him back to life.
Mackenzie: I didn't know about the magiced bit.
Cooper: Yeah, yeah but it was after they put him behind the big Easter egg but he pushed it out of the way.

Correspondence Courses, 1955

Once again I have been indulging in time travel by reading old magazines. The ever-reliable September 1955 Sporting Life issue has an advert for Stott's Correspondence Courses. The names of the courses are very evocative of the times. Its obvious that there were still lots of jobs in agriculture. Among their offerings in 1955 were;

Backward Adults
Buttermakers' Exam.
Boiler Attendants
Dairy Supervisors
Dynamo Attendants
Expressive English
Herd Testers' Exam.
Police Entrance Exam.
Radio [For Amateurs]
Shire Engineers' Exam.
Shire Clerks' Exam.
Salesmanship
Stammerers
Steam Engineering
Window Dressing

Beaconsfield

We have started listening to/watching the news again since the Beaconsfield mine disaster happened. The survival of the two guys was astonishing luck. It is tragic for the family of Larry Knight, but all the locals up there seem to be walking the fine line of celebrating survival while mourning his death pretty respectfully.

There was a great story this morning that Todd Russell has asked for Saturday's paper to be sent down so he could look for a new job. Its a bit odd that there are heaps of photos and stories about him floating around, but not much abour Brant Webb who is trapped there with him. Either the family are very private, or some public relations firm got in quick and tied up an exclusive to keep all the best pics and details locked away for a New Idea or Current Affair story.

Bus Adventure

Marcus and I went off on a bus adventure on Saturday morning, while Elf took Michael to a birthday party. We caught the bus across the road that goes into town. Then we just wandered about the bus mall until we found a bendy bus - one of the long articulated ones with the accordion on the middle. It was going to Seven Mile Beach via Eastlands. We would have got into trouble with Elf if we'd gone all the way to the beach so we got off at Eastlands, wandered around and then had a babycino. After a while we wandered back to the bus stop, where all the buses go to the city. We had to wait a long time - it appears the timetable is only a rough indication of what to expect, and the drivers improvise on the theme like jazz saxophonists. Marcus is loving his adding-and-subtracting book so much, I set him some maths problems to pass the time.

Once back in town we realised we had missed our bus home by 3 and a half minutes, so we entertained ourselves in Franklin Square for nearly an hour and caught the next one. With meagre ingredients like seagulls, leaves, statues and a giant chessboard with no chessmen, we managed to eke out the time without resorting to mathematics. We both enjoyed the bus adventure very much. It was a novelty to sit next to each other (instead of me in front and him behind) and be able to point out things to him. If you've never sat in the middle of a bendy bus when it goes around a tight bend, you should try it. Its a reasonably cheap thrill.

Gizmo's Ears

Gizmo's ears have been looking very ratty lately. He had a cut on one that seemed infected and he was very touchy about it. Elf took him to the vet today, and it's much worse than I thought. He has squamous-cell carcinomas on both ears, and will have to have them almost completely taken off to prevent the cancer spreading. He'll be left with "teddy bear ears" - little flaps to protect his sensitive inner ears somewhat. The op might be tomorrow or the next day, so the poor fella is going to be sleeping at the vet's for two or maybe three nights. On the upside his general health is good and his heart particularly seems strong, so his chances of surviving the general anaesthetic are very good, for a cat his age. He is very old.

I was given Giz by a friend in about 1992 or 93, and he was already 2 or 3 years old. which would make him something like 16. I feel quite guilty about my general neglect of Gizmo since we have had kids. He has been a devoted mate to me for all this time, and now I find it so hard to spend much time with him. I am beating myself up about his ears, as I'm sure if I had checked them sooner he might not need to have the operation. I know he is in his autumn years, and have tried to prepare myself and the kids for the day when he's not around.

Our vet is Mary Bennett, who I have known since we were about 5 in Burnie. We seemed to be in the same class every year from that age to when we went to Uni, and even then we spent our first year at the same residential college. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but as we've matured we've rubbed along a lot better. Our kids get on well too, and her husband Simon is a terrific bloke. As it happened we went to their daughter Miranda's pirate party on Sunday. They love organising parties, and they do it very well. They hired a 20m long hall, and had an actual pirate ship in there. It was great. They both talked like pirates for several hours without slipping out of character.

Marcus was hopeless for the first half an hour. He would not join in, and mooched about with his shoulders pushed up around his ears. We just don't know what to do with him at times. I was a fairly shy kid myself, so I understand how he feels, but I wish he would give things a chance a bit more readily. He eventually got into it to the extent that when it was over, and people started drifting away, we had ANOTHER scene because he wanted it to keep going. I would have happily sold him to any passing gypises (or pirates) at that moment. Michael had a great time from go to whoa, in his bouncy-puppy kind of way. I wonder if he too will go through a serious young insect stage like Marcus is.

Football matters

I have to mention the Richmond Tigers. I was struck by a warm wave of optimism watching them play Carlton the other night. Although they were behind, all their young players were firing and suddenly the future for Richmond seemed brighter to me than for many years. They went on to win their second game on the trot, and suddenly the two losses before that don't seem so bad in retrospect. I'd better stick the new bumper sticker on the car while the streak lasts.

Some entries in this blog are meant to serve as general diary notes for me to look back on. I want to make a note about the York Park fiasco on Sunday, when the umpires didnt hear the final siren and let St Kilda score a point to draw with Fremantle.

1) St Kilda were absolutely terrible and this fills me with joy
2) The umpires have fudged it. Obviously SOME of them DID hear it but they have got their story straight since and now claim to have ALL been unaware it had gone.
3) The AFL are going to have a hearing tomorrow to decide if Freo should actually get the 4 premiership points and St Kilda none. It will be interesting to see if the principle of fairness (give it to Freo who earned it) over-rides the practical difficulties (footy tipping, betting, counter-protests and court actions etc). I think Freo have no chance in hell.

A Late Footy Time Capsule.
Final 8 - West Coast, Sydney, Collingwood, Adelaide, Western Bulldogs, St Kilda, Hawthorn, Richmond
GF - West Coast d Collingwood
Coleman Medal - Barry Hall, Sydney
Brownlow Medal - Dean Cox, WC
Norm Smith Medal - Chris Judd, WC

Guitar duet

This evening Michael was parading around with his ukelele. "I've got the music! [this is his name for the Wiggles Tape Recorder that doesn't work] I've got my guitar! Come on!" I rallied to his cause, and found the other ukelele, and we stomped up and down a while playing random power chords. After a while we were both stuffed, so I said let's sit down. We sat next to each other and I picked out a few lame notes with a bread-tie plectrum. Michael wanted this, so I found a real plectrum. He was holding his guitar properly, strumming it properly, and now and then doing the heroic strum-up-into-the-air thing like a folkie at the end of a long banjo breakdown. I plunked along beside him. He looked very happy and said "We are playing guitar together!" It was one of those golden moments.

Kites and Flags

On Wednesday I picked Marcus up after kinder. He was very keen to fly kites, even though the wind was very light. The best kite-flying place is in fact next to the Cenotaph, so I found myself back there again. After a bit of not-very-successful kite flying, and a kick of the soccer ball, we went over to look at the flowers and the flags. I didn't really want to force Marcus to think about wars and death, but he does ask questions about such big topics all the time, so there is no running and hiding from it. He asked intelligent questions, and recognised the flag of Tasmania hanging limply in among the others. Quite a few people came to the Cenotaph while we were flying the kites. One middle-aged lady and her mother asked me if I wanted their help getting the bigger kite up in the air. We tried but then all agreed with no wind it just wasn't going to happen.

Anzac Day

This is a catch up dadness for Tuesday and Wednesday, typed at home in the sunroom on the old iMac in the dark after a mammoth washing up session while listening to Don McLaren's POW diaries from the fall of Singapore in February 1942 to the liberation of Japan in Spetember 1945. That's a very, very long time.

It was Anzac Day on Tuesday. I went to the dawn service for the second year - I will try to make it every year now. It is very moving and observed with great solemnity by all ages who attend. I think the mere fact it's so early on a cold April morning concentrates the mind, and discourages those who have no taste for dignified silences. A brass band played quietly in the dark, with tiny LED lights on their music stands.

The address was read by a primary school girl. Like last year it was very mature, and read very confidently. I am impressed but also unsettled by this. I would probably prefer something more genuinely child-like, with less evidence of grown-up coaching, if it is thought desirable to rope in the littlies for these things. I can imagine if that was one of my sons reading I would be both proud of him, and disgusted with our species. Sometimes the things we have to teach children about life seem like a series of telegrams bearing bad news.

Later we all went along to the Anzac march. On our way up Victoria Street we walked past the marshalling point. Old diggers struggled out of cabs, or sat quietly in buses waiting for their cues. One snowy-haired gent was trying to get a recalcitrant sword into a scabbard - he must have been a major at least, or he's putting on airs.

Who should march is an interesting debate, but in the end it is for the veterans to tell us who they will accept beside them. In twenty years time, if I want to march because I was in the Army Reserve for six months and my grandfather fought in New Guinea, someone will have to draw a line including or excluding me. I would hope by that time we have stopped adding new categories to the back of the parade, because there will be no more wars.

Perhaps they should put up a little obelisk somewhere for people who manage to stop wars getting going in the first place. I'd go there at dawn too.

We bumped into Rob and Mel and Olivia, and shared the parade. It seemed shorter than last year to me. Rob's favourite was the Field Hygiene Unit.

Rob and I topped off the 25th by going to see Kokoda, a new Australian film about the experience of a small group of Australian soldiers, in the battle to push back the Japanese on the Kokoda Track in New Guinea, in WW2. My Poppa Frank Jackson fought in New Guinea. The movie was well made, and quite moving. The final address to the battered survivors by an officer (played by William McInnes) is very emotional. At the end though I felt like I had been through a pretty standard war movie, that happened to be about an Australian experience.

I am always suspicious of Australian claims to special status as warriors. I am sure everyone from the Italians to the Iraqis say the same of themselves. I suppose the one special thing that can be said about the Australian effort at Kokoda is that it was the first time in the war the Japanese had been turned back.

Sheep hugging cheese-eating Sunday

Mum and Dad have been down campervanning around the district, and we spent Sunday all together. We headed off down the beautiful D'Entrecasteaux Channel, to have a look at the GrandVewe sheep dairy. All their products' names are groan-inducing sheep puns.

They have terrific sheep cheeses, not just the chevre kind either. They have a sheepy blue vein and a sheepy havarti, among others. I had a nice goatmilk flat white. We bought sheep-milk ice creams for the boys. I had a taste, and it was pretty good, but at $4.50 for about a 50ml tub they aren't going to sell much when they get it into shops I don't think.

We went out to feed the sheep and one got a bit carried away and burrowed under the fence into the car park. Elf suggested I rescue it. I was a little worried about my back, but more about damaging a valuable ice-cream producing animal. I lifted it over the fence reasonably easily - it was very soft and cuddly. I hope I don't fall victim to that syndrome where fire-fighters go out lighting fires to give themselves an opportunity to be a hero. I might accidentally nudge a few sheep out into carparks so I can pick them up and give them a squish.

We continued on down the Channel to Gordon where the road does a big U and heads back up north, and found ourselves in Cygnet for lunch at the Red Velvet Lounge. The RVL is a hippyish kind of place in a great old building. It was a general store for a while but may have originally been a picture theatre. Although it's in the main street of Cygnet (bank and PO across the road) the view out the window from the toilets at the back is just cows in paddocks.

Shanes hold their own

The jaunt to Launceston went well in all respects except the actual lawn bowls results. The format was two one-hour matches. We were drawn against the two eventual grand finalists.

Breakfast was pies at Ross. Dean holds that they are the best pies, in the World. As he has been a roving Pie Ambassador for the UN (Nicole Kidman style) I don't think we can doubt his word. We got to the Trevallyn Bowls Club on time with no incidents. No repeatable jokes were told on the way.

We bowled reasonably well. Dean kept us in the first match against Trevallyn Cricket Club with three inexplicable drives delivered in non-driving situations. He didn't really intend any of them, he just was having trouble coming to grips with the parched and sandy surface at Trevallyn. However they came about, the three shots were worth 10 points saved and 3 points on the board. We still lost, deservedly.

Our next match I would say we bowled near our peak, but only won two ends. We lost 12-5 to Latrobe Hardware. The heads were all incredibly tight, you could cover six or eight bowls with a doormat. Our opponents had the edge in class. The late mail around was that their number 2 was an A grade ring-in who had played for Tasmania.

So, we found ourselves well out of the running, and challenged some local old-timers to a match because we weren't that interested in just sitting and watching the final. We finally put it all together, and the Shanes d Derek, Ronnie, Gordon and Vic 14-8, to salvage some southern pride. It was a very even performance from the team all day, with perhaps newcomer Dan taking the honours as best afield.

One of the old gents watching us play told me he played Tuesday Turkey Triples. "You bowl in threes, that's the triples. The winning team gets a turkey. Each. The losing teams put their cards on the table. One gets drawn, they win chickens. The rest stay on the table and there is another draw..." I was hoping he would say they win quail or pigeons. ..." and they, er, also win chickens".

So - if you are ever in Launceston with a couple of buddies at a loose end, remember Trevallyn Tuesday Turkey Triples.

Bowling Shanes Reform for Tour

The Bowling Shanes have been asked to saddle up again to play in an intrastate carnival. We are driving up to Launceston at dawn to take the green against the might of the Northwest and North. Due to work and holiday commitments we have had to draft in a couple of keen youngsters, Dan Stonehouse and Richard Angus, who've been impressing in the twos. The new-look combo has no weak links except perhaps myself - but I am an automatic selection because I offered to drive.

Stand tuned for news of our results. There is money up for grabs I believe. This will ensure all teams will be fielding ring-ins from A-grade bowls wearing home-made disguises.

More brewery drawings

A new drawing from memory with the chimneys left out to emphasise the poplars.


An old drawing from life.

Be sure not to mention this to the penguins

Some more ANARE code. Sometimes complicated emotional situations could develop in the isolation of Antarctica.

WYTEV I love you darling
WYVZO I can hardly wait for you to come back

YACET Owing to a misunderstanding
WUYGD Sea Elephants are breeding
WYSUX I think about you both all the time

YANUL I have put on a lot of weight
YOMWO Be sure not to mention this to
WUYVY Gentoo Penguins

YAPUL Have had minor frostbite
YANFA Staying in bed
YACIV Telegram mutilated

WYSWO Love and kisses

Practical joke idea #65b

I went to the toilet at the restaurant the other day. When you go through the door marked TOILET you find three further doors marked with a little man, a little woman, and CLEANER. I am tempted to smuggle in some signs in the same size and font as CLEANER that say CLEAN and CLEANEST, and stick them over the man and the woman.

Guffaw.

Backseat banter

Marcus: You're a smelly baby. You're Smelly Guy.
Michael: No I am not. I am Poo Guy.

I have grown a beard which is generally admired

Below are some example of ANARE code - developed to save space on telegrams sent home by Australians working in Antarctica. There are many categories, such as Weather, Health, Affectionate Phrases and Miscellaneous, which includes the following:

YIHPY Hello and how are you
YIGIK All your friends ask me to send their regards and best wishes
YIGJE Best wishes from all here
YIJNO I have grown a beard
YIGUM I have grown a beard which is awful
YIGYN I am not sure whether (to)
YIHEK Think I (we) ought
YIKOP Looking forward to seeing you (in)
YIKPO This place gives you a pain at times
YIKYR This place gives you a pain at times but its worth it
YIHKE I have grown a beard which is generally admired
YIHMO I have grown a beard but think I'll shave it off before I get back to Australia

Mild Peril

I found this on the site for the first Ice Age movie.

Wooden Anniversary celebrated with Meat

On Friday it was five years to the day since we were married! The traditional gift is wood. The blokey thing to say would be that I bought Elf a couple of tonnes of dry East Coast peppermint. But, the truth is we decided we have too much stuff, so we are making a small donation to the Bush Heritage Fund to help them buy a parcel of threatened bush somewhere.

On Saturday we had lunch to celebrate, at The Boathouse where we had our reception five years ago. In honour of the anniversary we sat on chairs made of cane (technically a kind of wood), at a table also made of some kind of wood. The menu was printed on pulped, bleached and flattened wood and we were warmed by the merry crackle of the burning of further pieces of wood.

The food, I am happy to say, was entirely wood-free. I had a yearling beef entree that was divine. Marcus has become a vegetarian, so we are not eating much meat at home at the moment. Elf had porterhouse. We dug in like a couple of lions at the zoo after a zookeeper strike.

Marcus has rationalised his vegetarianism very well, and we have decided to just let him have his way, as long as he is prepared to eat what we serve up to him instead. He says animals are our friends and we shouldn't eat them. Its a fine sentiment and one I find challenging to debate. But that yearling beef certainly was good.

Afloat on Easter Monday

The Aurora Australis Antarctic supply vessel at its home berth.



Michael and another moppet entranced by the waves. You can see from some of the details here that this ferry is slightly decrepit.

Easter Dadness

On Thursday Bill and Felicity arrived, from Canberra by car and ferry. They stayed with Mum and Dad at Turners Beach en route and had a nice walk along the beach. Boys were excited to see them, and leapt about like puppies showing off their various tricks.

Friday is a bit of a blank. Err... I remember a game of scrabble. And making about a thousand teas and coffees. We had atlantic salmon for lunch, that was pretty fabulous.

On Saturday we went to the Museum AGAIN. For Marcus and I it was our fourth visit inside a week. Bill loved the film of stormy sub-antarctic seas. The presentation of old stereographic photos from the Mawson expedition is still stunning, even on the fourth viewing. You pop on some special 3D glasses and the icebergs loom, the penguins are very round and fat, the ropes on the ship interweave in space, its quite amazing. The soundtrack is wonderfully clean and evocative. The makers avoided the temptation of adding a plonking voice-over.

On Saturday evening Elf and Felicity went to a very long and involved service at All Saints. Bill and I were actually on our way out to the car to go in search of them when they appeared. All Saints is the Anglican church down the road, where we were married and the boys were christened. It is very "high church" and they like to extend every little part of a service with latin, incense, lots of processions and people bowing to each other. They have a cast of about a dozen be-robed personages, who all have to bow to one another in turn. It all takes forever.

On Sunday we all (B and F included) visited the Moonah Farm (Saffy's house). We had an easter egg hunt, threw the ball for the dog, examined the chickens, collected a bucket of quinces.

On Monday we went on a ferry trip up and down the river, on the MV Emmalisa. I once lived at Bellerive and went to work in the morning and home in the evening on this little boat. They were patchy days at home, but I always felt happy with my place in the world when I was sitting out in the sun on the open deck with a coffee in the morning or a beer on the way home. The fare was only $1.50!

Bill particularly enjoyed the outing, old salt that he is. As we went under the bridge the recorded tourist info recounted the story of the disaster in 1974 when the Lake Illawarra crashed into one of the pylons, two sections of bridge fell and the ship sank into very deep water where it is today. Seven sailors died, and five more people died when a handful of cars sailed over the edge in the dark. Marcus asked a few questions about this, and said that he hopes when people die they come back to life again later. I reminded him that when you die, you are gone for good, so you always have to be very careful and do what mum and dad say. "What about Jesus, he died and then he came back didn't he?" Ah, Easter. It's not just chocolate eggs.

American podcasts starting to pall

"I like the new green tea and melon latte at Starbucks...and I also like the chai donuts."
Oh God - please don't let Hobart become any more like Portland, Oregon than it is already.

Rupert Bunny

At this time of year I always like to ponder the contribution to Australian art made by Bunny. Bunny formed an important tie between Australian painting and French Impressionism. His landscapes are full of light and subtle colour harmonies. He was very fond of carrots and crunchy apples, and often wore a little yellow tartan waistcoat.


The Orchard c.1925
Oil on board
63 x 48cm

Cascade Brewery

This is my first new drawing in quite a while. I looked back through sketchbooks, and I was drawing scenes around the brewery quite a lot about two years ago. This is a remembered night view, looking down onto the main facade with Knocklofty behind it, from Hillsborough Road.

Podcast free day

I am getting into podcasts in a big way. All day at work I am listening to people talk. I've noticed that I am missing work banter now. When you listen to music, voices from outside the headphones are able to cut through, you take them off and banter ensues. Banter is essential to a happy office.

Now I am getting to know crazy radio-twosomes in Cleveland and Oregon better than my own workmates. They are so funny, have excellent timing, and lots of little sound effects and stings to drop into the mix. If there are any dead bits where not much happens they chop them out. I can press stop and play when they get a bit wearing. They leave my work colleagues for dead.

But - my colleagues are all basically nice people and as I said, without the oxygen of banter the office will slowly die. So tomorrow I am having a podcast-free day.

How about those Tigers?

Two guitars

We bowed to the inevitable and bought Marcus a guitar like Michael's, except blue. We thought this might stop some of the unseemly guitar-grabbing and tuning-peg-twisting that has been going on. Boy were we wrong. Because the blue one is new, Michael isn't satisfied with his slightly used-looking red one. I think things are settling down a bit now.

In this picture they look like a couple of Ben Harpers about to burst into a searing slide duet.

Earlyness

When you have a schedule and stick to it pretty well then one day you run quite early, you notice a lot of different things. When you run late, you don't notice anything because you have your head down and you are red in the face and swearing. I was early on my walk this morning. I didnt see the old man with the dog whose head is in a lampshade-thing, but I did see a woman wearing shades and a peaked cap and carrying a huge silver open umbrella (and also walking a dog). It was not raining or overly sunny. She might have had an eye operation or maybe just conjuctivitis.

Also lots of families were sitting in cars with the doors open yelling "come on" to family members who were struggling out the door of their houses and yelling back "keep your hair on" etc. This business must be all over by 8.45 when I usually come through this area.

I saw black cockatoos and also a robin redbreast! Which perhaps is a native bird that just looks like that. Our robins are yellow aren't they? Completely tangential note: Ulverstone footy team (Essendon style jumper) are/were the Robins. Also North Launceston (same jumper) used to be the Robins before they went mainstream and became the Northern Bombers. Is this just a Tasmanian tendency? The fierce snarling robin mascot looks ridiculous.

Shanes Crazy Ride Ends

Ocean Child 14 d The Bowling Shanes 6

The slick Ocean Child combo wiped the floor with the Shanes earlier this evening. In light rain with occasional bursts of drizzle, the OCs calmly snudged out to a 5-0 lead, then before we knew it we were about 10-2 down and the small crowd knew it was all over. This week there was no barbie, no salad, no Shanettes waving the red-and-white floggers, and sadly no yelp from the Shanes.

We got a thorough bowls lesson from Mick, Mick, Mick and Daniel, who I believe are policemen. [The Ocean Child is a pub, for those unfamiliar with the Hobart scene]. They have been playing a year longer than us, and certainly seemed to be playing within themselves.

Still - we are proud of having come so far in one season. Stand by for a DVD of season highlights, available soon.

Shanes Progress to Ultra Grand Final

This afternoon The Bowling Shanes (Tuesday Night Champions) will be meeting Ocean Child (Wednesday Night Champions) in the ultra big, mega large Southern region lawn bowls final. We actually practised in the rain last night, so I guess any pretence that its just a bit of fun is out the window now.

Merv #2 drilled us in the various finer points of our roles. As "lead", I roll out the kitty when we win the previous end. One of the subtleties of lawn bowls is that sometimes the kitty is way out, sometimes quite short. If you find your opponents have a weakness on long or short ends, then when you have the opportunity to choose the length, you choose that which makes them uncomfortable.

Last night although it was pretty dark and raining moderately hard, I was hitting the mark uncannily well for short ends. (If it is shorter than a certain point or too long and goes into the ditch, it's out of bounds, and your opponent gets to throw it out instead). We'll see how I go under pressure tonight. All the rain has made the greens very slow. It could be an old fashioned low-scoring war-of-attrition mudbath. The greens are actually being pulled up and relaid in four days so even turf damage may not be beyond the pale of gamesmanship.

Go Shanes one more.

Lets Read About Parasites!

Marcus has got a very big book about insects and spiders from the library and he idolises it. Its that DK kind of information overload design with incredibly detailed illustrations and tons of little info boxes and captions and pointers and explanatory wangdoodles.

Marcus Read this page!
Dad Parasitic insects lay their eggs in the bodies of other insects or mammals. When the eggs hatch there is a ready made food for the larvae. When they grow the larvae burst out through the skin of...
Michael There's a K!
Dad OK, lets read another page now.
Marcus Its sad that that bug is killing that bee. Read that!
Dad The assassin beetle stabs the bee with its long proboscis and sucks out the...
Michael That's a W!
Etc etc.

We have all learnt a lot. I won't even mention what the book calls thehuman head louse.

Footy season is back

So, new hope is crushed so quickly. Richmond had their first game of the season on Friday night. About five minutes in Richo took a mark and lined up to kick for goal as though he had never done it before in his life, and the ball was a big cake of soap. The ball sconned a man sitting a few rows back in the forward pocket. "Ooooh" said the experts on TV "see how his left shoulder is dipping there..."

I think the real sadness of Richo is considering the other careers he has been denied by being a footballer. He could have been an Olympic high jumper or a brain surgeon. Instead he is still running around on the Richmond forward line and dipping his left shoulder when he kicks for goal. What a waste. And Richmond lost by 115 points.

The weekly wave

Every Monday a baby waves to me as I walk down Petty Street. His/her dad is labouring up the hill getting his/her three older siblings to primary school. They are all engaged in earnest walking and talking, and never give me the time of day (which is what one expects walking in suburban streets nowadays). But the baby always looks me in the eye and gives me a wave. I wave to the baby. And the week continues from there.

Snow!

We had a decent snowfall on Friday night. When you drive up the mountain to see the snow it depends a lot on timing and luck whether you will actually get to throw any snowballs. There are five or six gates that are closed or opened depending on how much snow there is and how safe it is to drive on the road. We have several times arrived at a gate still closed long after the snow and the driving hazard has gone. So it was yesterday. But we did scamp around for a few minutes as new snow was falling.

Great News 2

The Bowling Shanes 16 d The Bay City Bowlers 9

The Shanes led all the way to take out the Tuesday Night Twilight Bowls Grand Final last night. We had the BCBs 7-0 after three or four ends and we just continued to bowl well enough after that to keep them out of it. There was a good crowd including cheer squads for each team, and it made for a great atmosphere. Our little gold trophy has on top of it a man in a tux with a skivvy underneath, sending down a nice forehand draw. It's given me an idea for next season's Shanes uniform.

Next Tuesday we have a playoff with the Wednesday Night winners to see who will represent the South in the Tas Regional finals, which I think has $400 prize money. We're just taking it one end at a time.

Bowling with a Sausage

I had a little bowl yesterday afternoon with Marcus. He's getting better and better, and really loves it. This was his best bowl, about 4 inches from the kitty!

Great News 1

On Tuesday I took Michael over to Melbourne for the day to have a cardio checkup at the Royal Children's Hospital. He had an echocardiogram and an ECG, and eveything is looking great. They don't need to see him again in Melbourne until he's six.

He was extraordinarily well behaved all day, on both flights and at the hospital. He asked a couple of times where Mum and Marcus were, but he was quite content when I said they were at home. The hosties on Virgin all thought he was the bees knees, one said he was the best little boy she had ever had on a flight. He didn't cry at all and didn't even look worried. On the flight over I sat him on my lap, but on the way back he was keen to sit on his own seat, so he did.

I really enjoyed his company all day and was immensely proud of him, and obviously delighted with his good results too.

Mrs Willard by a nose!

Last night I heard some archival commentary from (I think) the Melbourne Olympics of 1956. Its sounded like the women's 100 metres, some kind of sprint anyway. What was amazing was that all the runners were "Mrs". I have just looked it up, it was actually the 1958 Empire and Commonwealth Games in Cardiff, Wales.

It was something like: "Mrs Willard holding off Mrs Young... Mrs Willard, Mrs Willard still, Mrs Young closing but its Mrs WILLARD FOR THE GOLD MEDAL."

Which leads me to imagine them as mumsy ladies in flowery housecoats, possibly carrying shopping.

While I'm working dangerously with stereoteypes, one of my other favourite radio moments was the call of a 100 metres heat at maybe the Sydney Olympics. The fastest sprinters in the world are generally from English-speaking countries, so the leaders in a race will often be Andrews, Johnson, Smith, Robinson etc. If your name is Yee or Al-Bhadawi you are probably not going to win a sprint. And its all over in ten seconds so there isnt time to even mention the stragglers often.

So this one I remember went like this.
"Green away well. Bolden. Green. Thomas. Green. BOLDEN CLOSING. GREEN GREEN GREEN! ITS GREEN FROM BOLDEN, Thomas third, Böhm,[excitement dying away fast] Akbar. Sato. Fung.

Up a tree

We had a very nice quiet weekend. Marcus has been exhausting us and himself lately. He is very over-excited at times and we are trying to teach him to calm himself down a bit. We decided to to keep to ouselves this weekend, and just enjoy being around the house together. Visitors often send Marcus into a froth of excitement.

We did have a surprise visit yesterday from Susan, Saffy and Immy. Saffy is one of Marcus's oldest buddy - they met at daycare years ago and get on very well. We had planned to have a picnic lunch in the Cascade Gardens, so we just made some extra sandwiches and took them along.

They have some quite big established evergreens, (don't ask me what they are) with well-spaced branches for climbing. Marcus climbed up into one and surprised the hell out of us when we saw his yellow-hatted head pop out three metres up.
Later he climbed up into another one. When I got over to see how he was going he was about four metres up and climbing. I realised that if he had a sudden loss of confidence I wouldn't be able to climb where he had, as the branches wouldn't support me. He climbed down with only a few wobbly moments. I was very proud of his adventuring, but glad he didnt get any higher before I spotted him.

That was the Commonwealth Games

Thanks for coming Malawi. Bye Bangladesh. Don't forget your hat, British Virgin Islands.

One last bit of commentary excellence, after Kelvin Kerkow won gold for Australia in the lawn bowls. ABC Radio commentator Charlie King was wrapping it up when his mind suddenly wandered. "Kerkow's route... Kerkow's route... [muttering] this is going to last me forever.." before he was suddnely cut off by the studio. I actually thought he might have had a mild stroke, but apparently he was back home 24 hours later calling the Darwin footy grand final, so its a mystery.

Starting the day the sausagey way

Marcus drew these lovely self-portraits at Kinder last week. (Captions by the teacher of course).

Dog left at home shock

Yes - you heard it here first. Michael deliberately left Dog at home when we left for school this morning. He had Dog, and then picked up the Big Red Car. I said, "No, leave the Big Red Car at home please". He said "I leave Doggie at home". And walked happily down to the car. I hope he gets through the day alright. I mentioned to the carer Natasha that Michael was flying solo today and might need reassurance. "That's OK", she said, "we have other soft toys". OTHER soft toys?

She might be in for a rude shock. But I hope he will sail through the day without a care and have a happy reunion with Dog this evening. We'll see.

Wiggles Live

We went to see The Wiggles today. Marcus had the day off kinder and I took a half day off to help Elf manage the likely hysteria. We got there nice and early, and found our seats in the next-to-back row in the Derwent Entertainment Centre. You wouldn't want to be prone to vertigo, its an awfully long way up.

There was an announcement shortly before they came out that the Yellow Wiggle, Greg, wouldnt be appearing as he underwent an emergency hernia operation yesterday, and today the Yellow Wiggle would be played by a man named Brett. Stunned silence all around.

Brett filled the skivvy nicely although Elf opined on the drive home that they had seemed to "lack leadership" today. I thought it was a great show, they did lots of familiar old songs and didnt do reggae versions or anything silly like that, that "consumate professionals" sometimes do to sound "fresh".

Highlights were; the giant inflatable Murray that kept deflating and donging Jeff on the head, the extended Three Stooges-like "blow me down" gag with Captain Feathersword and Murray, and the dancer who snaps his head about too much trying to bounce his banana like his mate with the apple could.

Actually the head-snapper (who we know is named Ben) did a great turn also as a dancing fish, where his head actually played the part of a dorsal fin, so for once extravagant movement was well in order.

Apart from the unfortunate absence of Greg it was all mighty good. Our boys were both tired before it began. Marcus alternated between frenzied moshing and lying stretched out with his head on my lap, asking "when will it be over?" - which is exactly how I felt the one time I saw The Ramones. MIchael was overwhelmed despite our very slight proximity to the action. He did give the troupe a hearty wave goodbye when it was "now let's wave goodbye to each other" time.

The merch was walking out the door as we left. They could have sold twice as many Flashing Big Red Car Light Sticks ($18) if they had ordered boldly. We missed out and consoled ourselves with an Activity Pack ($8).

On the way home I said I would look on the Wiggles website to see if we can order a light stick. Marcus had the excellent idea that maybe they send them flat to your computer, so you print them out of your printer then inflate them.

Shanes Progress to Grand (?) Final

The Bowling Shanes 5 d Rawhide 4 (after a tiebreak end)
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This was a very tight and tense match. Rawhide were 4-3 down going in to the last end, and were soon down by two shots, when Linda re-organised the head with a well judged firm draw. It left Rawhide up two shots and in a winning position with just the skips to bowl. Dean managed to sneak a bowl into the action to pare them down to one shot, drawing it 4-4. On the tiebreak end I got us up one shot early, and we held on to it throughout. Dean caused some minor bad blood when he bowled a blatant safety with his last shot, that barely went three metres. We won 5-4 but there was much muttering during the handshakes. Dave starred and I felt I bowled better than I have for weeks. I collected the kitty three times for the night.

This win put us through to the next round. The various teams eliminated in the first round gathered in the bar and around the greens and urged the survivors on.

The Bowling Shanes 5 d Stop, Drop and Roll 2
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This match was played in semi-darkness. We pulled away to 3-1 after four ends, then put it almost out of reach with the fifth end when we sneaked out to 5-1. Dean stood over the kitty using his mobile as a torch, initially as a joke but it was actually helpful. SDR held one shot in the last end. If their skip had been concentrating they would have sniffed a chance, as we only had one bowl in the action, and if they'd attacked it they could have picked up as many as four shots. The skip was suffering some kind of knee or groin trouble and seemed keen to just get it over with and get in to the bar and out of the dark.

So, we live to play again next week, apparently against The Bay City Bowlers. BCBs eliminated the favourites, The Individuals, so obviously they'll be tough to beat. There are still 2 other teams in the finals, so how this is a Grand Final is beyond me. The Mervs work in mysterious ways.

Bowling Shanes win some, lose some

I never got around to a match report for last Tuesday, because the whole thing was too confusing. We are in the finals now and we played two games of 6 ends each (instead of one of 12).

We lost the first game to a fairly average team, Macquarie Maulers (more real estate agents). This was our season low point. We clawed back some respectability in our next match with a solid win over the Bad Girls. No-one knows how the finals work, it seems mostly designed to keep all teams in with a chance as long as possible.

Anyway, we are taking on the Bay City Bowlers in a knockout 6 end stoush this evening, and after a training run yesterday at lunchtime, I think we are probably back in reasonable form. I tip the Shanes to win it 6-5. After which we have another 6 end knockout game against persons unknown.

Standby for results.

Ace Chocolate - a shooting star on the boxing scene

My reading on the toilet at work lately has been Sporting Life magazine, September 1955 issue. Today I read an article about welterweight boxer George Barnes. The names of most other boxers were very evocative of white anglo Australia in the fifties: Jimmy Reeves, Mickey McDonald, Joe Clark, Freddie Herman, Frank Flannery. There was the occasional Mexican and Filipino. Then we come to Ace Chocolate, from South Africa.

"Barnes unleashed fury on Chocolate, knocking him out in the first round". Then it was back to Tommy Burns, Freddie Dawson, Barry Brown....